Some folks are wise and some are otherwise. -Tobias Smollett
Question #80419 posted on 12/30/2014 1:56 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I really need a no-judgment space. Can this be that for five minutes? I should clarify, (and this is part of the no judgment space), that the person in question is not LDS, and I've been inactive for several years. But I need advice from someone...

I find myself on the cusp of a decision that I don't think I have enough will-power to choose correctly. I recently moved to a new city to start over and eventually fell into a friendship then casual relationship with a guy. This guy has been a gateway for a lot of work opportunities for me--I would not be anywhere near as successful in my field in this city so quickly without his influence. I've also met some wonderful friends through him. So basically, my life is very connected to his, in many ways. We recently had "the talk," where he said that after a little bit of dating he's learned that we're not compatible for any sort of committed relationship, but he still likes me as a friend and he's still attracted to me. He's open (of course he is...) to continuing a friends-with-kissing kind of relationship. He's made it clear that he's okay with whatever I choose.

My problem is that I feel so good when I'm with him that I don't know how to walk away from it. But the next day after seeing him, I always feel miserable. Self-esteem completely destroyed. I know that's not healthy. But he's been an amazing friend to me outside of our physicality, and the thought of losing one of my best friends is painful. But I don't know how to be his friend without wanting to be kissing him. And being around him but knowing I can't kiss him is painful. Or, if I do kiss him, the next day is painful. I feel like i can't win. What do I do? Please help.

-My Name Here

PS: On top of all of that, I'm supposed to cat-sit for him in a few days. I wish it wasn't too late to say no. But I don't know if I could say no....

A:

Dear Clara,

No, you can't win. And let me tell you, being best friends with a guy you'd like to date is really difficult, though I have to say, my situation isn't as bad as yours. Either you need to break it off, or you need to set some clear boundaries and make yourself be okay with not kissing him.

I'd recommend starting by taking a decent amount of time away from him—and more than just a day so that you have time to actually think about what's going on. Once you've been able to distance yourself enough to clear your mind, you'll be able to objectively make a decision about the matter. Then you need to write that decision down and commit yourself to doing whatever you decided. Stick to that decision, no matter what it is, and you'll get through this.

Shoot me an e-mail if you'd like to talk more.

-Tally M.