Dear swiper stop swiping,
IN CONGRESS, waaaaay after JULY 4, 1776.
The Unanimous Declaration of the thirteen emotional States of Ardilla
WHEN in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to dissolve the social stigma which has heretofore prevented him with connecting with Another and to assume among the powers of The Worldwide Web, the separate and equal station to which a certain Social Network's Terms of Agreement entitle him, a decent respect to the opinions of womankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the association.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the fruitless Pursuit of Relationships. That to secure these rights, dating websites are instituted among men and women, deriving their just powers from the common consent and frequenting of their users — That, whenever any Form of Online Interaction seems to be more alluring than its contemporaries, it is the Right of the Single People to investigate it closely, and to institute membership, laying their justification in vague principles and leveraging its powers in ways as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety, Happiness and general amusement. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Dating Habits long entrenched should not be changed for light and transient causes, and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer the evils of dating while these are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of unreturned calls and friendzonings, incurred while pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Denigration, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Habits, and to provide new strategies for their future relationship security — Such has been the patient sufferance of this Writer; and such is now the necessity which constrains him to alter his former Methods of Dating. The history of the present Dating Records is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations by disinterested Parties, all having in direct object the establishment of a dating stagnation over this Campus. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
She has refused her Assent to Dates, the most wholesome and necessary for the public approval of a given relationship.
She has forbidden her roommates and close friends to associate with him, suspending normal societal conversational norms until her Assent to the contrary should be so obtained, and whenever this decision is appealed she has utterly neglected to attend to it.
She has refused other Affections for the accommodation of interest from other random people who Don't Even Go Here,
She has convened conversations to Define the Lack of a Relationship at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from matters of the heart for the sole purpose of fatiguing him into compliance with her measures.
She has dissolved men's resolutions to not be wimps repeatedly, for deflecting with womanly firmness their attempts to merely say hello in public places,
She has disappeared for a long time, after decisions towards missionary-service related relocations, to cause men to despaire whereby they, incapable of the Annihilation of their affections, have returned to the gyms at large for their exercise to blow off some steam; their emotions remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.
She has endeavoured to prevent the population of the local dating pool with new individuals, for that purpose refusing to encourage them to sign a contract within a league of his residence, and effectively prevent their migrations hither.
She has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing to stop dating Tools and establishing proof of a modicum of Good Judgement.
She has made men dependent on her Will alone for the tenure of their relationships, and the amount and payment of any surfeit of their salary forfeited regularly in the hope of maintaining these.
She has erected a multitude of New Heritage Buildings, and sent hither swarms of Freshmen to harass our people and eat out their substances in lunch dates that will go nowhere.
She has kept among us, in times of what would otherwise be peace, ward prayers without the Consent of our ever having said we even wanted to have one, for surely reposing instead on the ottoman during a cold Sabbath evening is no great Sin.
She has through her unreciprocated emotions affected to render men in favor of giving up and joining the Military for at least their Basic Training squad leader will Remember Their Name,
She has combined with others to subject us to judgments foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our Man Laws merely because we apparently did not text back quickly enough even though she knew us to be engaged in a particularly intense bout of Halo,
For quartering large bodies of Instagram photos among us,
For protecting them, by a veritable array of Pinterest pages unbearable even to visit for their pages replete with Bedazzled things and Recipes so Cutesy and visually complex in their Presentation only a Professional Pastry Chef could Actually Make Them,
For cutting off our Trade of Pokemon with other parts of the world:
For imposing purges of our favorite old T-shirts without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the Benefit of the Doubt:
For transporting us beyond the doors of her parents' homes to be tried for pretended offences:
For abolishing the use of Plain English in daily conversations, establishing therein Arbitrary meanings to voice inflections and pauses; and expecting sideways glances and other nigh-imperceptible movements to be accepted examples of fit instruments to convey encyclopedic amounts of information instantaneously.
For eating our Lucky Charms, abolishing our most valued gaming systems and altering fundamentally the Compositions of our Closets:
For suspending our own food preferences when deciding where we should Eat Out, and declaring herself invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever while we are Using the Restroom.
She has abdicated from the throne of reason by dating men she met scarcely two weeks ago, waging emotional War against us and any notion of hope for reasonable accomodation of romantic interest we harbored in our naive hearts.
She has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our pixelated people by obliviating deliberately the file of our favorite Minecraft world because she deemed it a Waste of Time,
She is at this time suggesting we Date her Friend who She Promises is Finally Over Her Ex even though previously falling for this diversion has resulted in dates so long, awkward and filled with venomous diatribes we wish large Armies of foreign Mercenaries would end and compleat our miserable evenings with whatever work of death, desolation, or tyranny strikes their fancy provided it terminates the circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages in which we now find ourselves embroiled, for which release we would gladly trade our position as the Head of a prosperous and civilized nation.
She has constrained our fellow Brothers taken Captive in relationships to bear Advice against their Comrades, to become the self-decreed custodians and executioners of their friends and Brethren's dating lives during innumerable Holiday Conversations by inquiring if they are Dating Anyone Yet and deeming the reply unsatisfactory subsequently offering unsolicited and unwelcome Profound Relationship Wisdom, causing these same annoyed Brethren to consequently desire to strangle them with their Bare Hands.
She has excited domestic insurrections amongst us by flirting shamelessly with us and our roommates while maintaining she is Dating Someone, and has thusly endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our apartments, the merciless plague of jealousy whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages and conditions of emotional stability.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Princess, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a once free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our feminine friends. We have warned them from time to time that attempts by their constituents to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us are most unwelcome. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here in Provo. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common Facebook friends to disavow these usurpations, which do incessantly interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of common sense. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of womankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
I, therefore, a citizen of the united States of America, in General Congress with all aliases heretofore created, unprovoked, appealing to the general kindliness of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in my 'Nym, and by Authority granted by my street cred with the good Peasants of Provo, solemnly publish and declare, That this writer is, and of Right ought to be Free to Independently decide to join Tinder, and that he is absolved of all social stigma that would prevent him from doing so, and that as a Free and Independent Participant has full Power to swipe Left, swipe Right, establish Communication and the untaxed Commerce of Emoji, contract Alliances, establish Relationships, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Persons may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, despite a sneaking fear that this is probably but a more efficient vehicle for further emotional Trauma and Heartbreak, we mutually pledge to Give it At Least A Fair Shot out of respect for our Lives, Fortunes, and sacred Honor.
TL;DR: I joined Tinder (Tally M. facilitating this by the use of her smartphone and know-how). You know, for science. Wherefore upon joining this Citizen did discover the proper etiquette upon encountering a Friend with whom you do not wish to engage in courtship is to swipe rapidly in the sinistral direction, this being less deceitful, more honest, and ultimately more kind.
--Ardilla Feroz, Ardillas Friendzoned, Flirtroz, Fur-roz, Fluteroz, Frozen, Fayoz, Fearmonger, Functionista, Preblessed, Broke, Brain, Totally Unhelpful, Volador, the Hun, Armadillo Fuzz, Sasparilla Rush, Arbitrary Buzz, Rosquilla Schnozz, Esquilo Feroz, Ques-ardilla, Lizard Loafer, Flailed Razor, Afar Dill Zero, Lizard Florae, A Razor Filled, Zaire Far Doll, Ladle Razor If Lard Ail Fez Or Lazed Friar Lo Ordeal La Friz, Razed Oaf Rill, Dial Razor Elf, Areal Old Friz, Farad Zero Ill, Rodilla Tenaz, Zeal Friar Old, Leaf Razor Lid, Deaf Razor Ill, Floral Lira Zed, La Razor Filed, A Lizard Elf Or, Ren Xiao Lei, Lard Laze Fro I, Earl La Do Friz, Area Doll Friz, Afar Doze Rill, Lead Oral Friz, Razed Floral I, Lizard Earl Of Far All Id Zero, Aid Razor Fell Dial Razor Elf, Adze Fair Roll, Air La Lord Fez, Raze La Old Fir, Far Roar Zed I