"Now I'm not only a Mormon cliché; I'm also a puppy." - Claudio
Question #90161 posted on 08/03/2017 7:20 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Zedability has retired? How did it happen? Have the plans for world domination moved on to another organization?

If it is true, thanks for all the fun, thoughtful, silly, researched, profound, and helpful answers. Thanks for sharing a part of your life with us all!

-Minions, eating treacle pie in tribute.

A:

Dear Minions,

As the Board Writer closest to our dearly beloved Zed, I feel it is my duty to answer your questions as best I can. First off, yes, Zed has retired from the Board. This decision was the result of many events and experiences converging in her life at once. Oh yes, she claimed it was just that she got "busy" with "life" and "school" and "being a mom" but I'll tell you the tragic truth. A clandestine group to remain unnamed found her plans for world domination out and kidnapped myself and our dearest Baby Z and held us for RANSOM!

All things considered, they treated us well. We were fed decent meals and they had a really nice crib for Baby Z, and as far as being a hostage goes, I could imagine worse things to be put through, but I digress...

So anyway, Zed got together with Ardilla Feroz and Django Fett to plan a daring rescue! Ardilla did reconnaissance to discover the location of the secret base where we were being held. Upon Ardilla's return from [REDACTED], Django began working on hacking into the base's security system to open a way for them to reach Baby Z and me. Finally the three of them arrived at the base. Thanks to the great skill of Django Fett, they were able to get all the way to the apartment (I really can't call it a cell after all) where Baby Z and I were held. There was a brief happy reunion with lots of giggling from Baby Z, and then we started to make our way to the roof where we were going to steal a helicopter to escape and return to the Board Lair.

When we arrived at the roof however, the leader of the group that had kidnapped Baby Z and myself was waiting for us!

"How did you know we were here?!" Zed cried out.

"Mr. Feroz left a small pile of empty shells on the ridge over there, hazelnut I believe," the man replied. "It was easy enough to piece together that you'd try to rescue your family. Honestly though, I just got lucky assuming you would come for the helicopter for your escape."

"Told you we should've used the sewers," Ardilla commented.

"I am not carrying my baby through a sewer to escape a secret base in the middle of [REDACTED]!" Zed retorted, "and this would've worked if you hadn't insisted on bringing snacks on a recon mission!"

Then Django stepped in before things could escalate further, "As entertaining as this is, we still need to get out of here guys." And with that, we all started to run for the helicopter. 

We were so close when an agent of our kidnappers' organization stepped out from the shadows, grabbed Baby Z out of my arms, and tripped me causing me to tumble across the roof and almost fall off the edge. She carried Baby Z to the edge of the roof and held her out over open air.

"Zedability. If you want to save your daughter, you will give in to our demands. Give us your word, and I will return your child to your husband and you can all leave in peace. If you don't, I drop her."

Zed looked at me and the woman from the helicopter, trying to figure out a solution. Then she looked to Ardilla and Django, both of whom returned her gaze with worried looks. Finally she looked at Baby Z who smiled at her laughed and bit the woman's arm. The woman yelped and lurched back from the edge of the roof, allowing me to jump up, snatch Baby Z from her, and trip her myself (sweet revenge!). I ran to join the others in the helicopter and we escaped the base and returned to the Board Lair.

"Another daring rescue successfully completed!" Ardilla announced to cheers as we walked into the common area of the lair.

"It wouldn't be Tuesday without one," Spectre responded, getting a laugh from everyone but Zed who just slumped in an overstuffed armchair and sighed.

"What's up Zed?" Auto Surf asked her, "Are you okay?"

Zed looked at her and all the assembled writers, "I'm getting entirely too old for this," she said. "I love you guys, but I think it's time I retired. I'll keep in touch through Occam here."

Everyone erupted in questions, tears, and pleas for her to stay, but alas, she was adamant. Despite the cries of disagreement, she took Baby Z and walked up the stairs to enter into the Hall of Alumni to join the ranks of Past Writers like Katya, Tally M. and Rating Pending, only to return once every year for Alumni Week.

And there you have it. The Absolutely 100% True Story™ of how and why Zedability retired from the 100 Hour Board. It is truly the end of an era in the history of the Board.

Sincerely,

~Dr. Occam