"The 13th article of faith: a recipe for dating success. The ladies seek after these things *kisses biceps *" -Foreman
Question #90065 posted on 07/19/2017 1:02 p.m.
Q:

Dear writers and editors,

QUARTO TJ 825 .B25 1985.
Who can find it it first, what did you find, and what did you do with it?

-Mysterious Bystander

A:

Dear Enigmatic Watcher,

I read this question about a half hour after you submitted it, and immediately resolved to solve the mystery of the contents of this question. Unfortunately, I had other obligations with my time until around noon. I then excitedly made the trek from my apartment to campus, where I delved into the depths of dear old Harold. In order to increase efficiency whilst on my quest, I turned to the learned and wise people at the circulations desk, presenting them this call number on a post it note. From the desk, I retrieved not only information as to the book's general whereabouts, but also its title:

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From here, it was short work to find the special book itself.

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With shaking hands at the wonders I was soon to uncover, I pulled the book from the shelf.

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Within, I did discover great treasures beyond my wildest dreams.

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Knowing this was far more than I could ever squander by myself, I decided to use the wonderful powers of economies and transform these green papers into delicious huckleberry ice cream, and hold a Board party. At this party, some most amazing things happened, involving witty banter, games, and delightsome consumption of ice cream. But to find out the best part, read on to Auto's answer below.

~Anathema

A:

Dear friend,

Since the creation of the Board, there have been only a few times when we have revealed our true faces. 

But it's been about 16,000 questions since the last one. So with our stomachs full of huckles and berries and our hearts full at the thought that someone paid for it, we decided it was once again time to show ourselves. We present to you (albeit sideways because what even are computers)...

Genghis Khan/Auto. I was surprised at how much the hat really did for him. 

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Teddy Roosevelt/Van Goff. Also, at this point, you may have realized that we used bags from Maceys. This is (probably) not because these are the only bags that Anathema had on hand, but because we're hoping Maceys will sponsor us. The ice cream aforementioned in Anathema's answer was also from Maceys, so we're really hitting all our bases. We'll let you know how it goes.  

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Kim Jon Il/The Entomophagist. He joked that he would draw it upside down but then he actually drew it right-side up and the prophecy was fulfilled the joke was funnier. 

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Abe Lincoln/Kirito. We called him Shifty-Eyes Abe, but you probably would have shifty eyes, too, if you had to keep an eye on dumb Yankess and angry Confederates. 

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Stalin/Alta. I think this was originally going to be Young Stalin, because who knew politicians could be that attractive, but was ultimately opted out for a more recognizable face. 

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Karl Marx/Anathema. Anathema was the only one who stuck with the original idea of combining our faces with our historical figures' faces, akin to the Zach Galifianakis bags linked above. (In my defense, I didn't know how to be Mongol and also be me, but that might just be because I totally lack the skills of an artist. Anyway.) And she did great! She even was in tune enough to remember that he would never promote "happy shopping," so she fixed that up real quick. Also, can I just take a minute to more fully toot Anathema's horn? She's done so much to make Board things happen and she does an excellent job. She really is wonderful, and so is her bag. Behold: 

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And here we all are! What a motley crew. Sort of. I guess we all are wearing bags on our heads, so that makes us pretty congruous. Also, the girl who took our picture had us stay there for a full minute or so before we realized she was messing with us. Turns out it's hard to tell what's going on with a bag over your head. 

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You can see these IRL if you follow the instructions found in Board Question #90000. See you soon!

Take care,

-Auto Surf

THIS ANSWER BROUGHT TO YOU BY MACEYS (NOT A SPONSOR). 

A:

Dear people,

I could own up to joking about drawing my face upside-down on purpose and then totally forgetting to flip my bag over...

OR, I could pretend that it's a reference to how backwards upside-down North Korea is. Yeah, we'll go with that.

-The Entomophagist