"They say curiosity killed the cat. I just hope it went out in style." -Yellow
Question #89511 posted on 04/27/2017 10:06 p.m.
Q:

Dear The Board,

We all have pet peeves and people we hate, so could you please come up with your own nine levels of Hell (à la Dante's Inferno) and tell me who you're sticking in each one?

Nellie Bly

A:

Dear Nellie,

I try sooooo hard most of the time to be patient, non-judgey, and even-tempered, so I avoid giving voice to my pet peeves because I feel like it only exacerbates things. It's probably a bad idea to indulge myself here, but—hey, no one's perfect, right? So, happily, I will outline my own nine circles of hell for your delectation and delight.

  1. The people who run up Y mountain as I puff along at a measly 2mph; BYU parking police; quinoa-eaters
  2. Those who put the toilet paper on the roll so that it feeds out the bottom; users of the font Papyrus; unnecessary capitalizers
  3. Dog-earers of library books; people who spit gum on the sidewalk
  4. Slow pedestrians; groups of people who string out along the hallway so that no one can get past them; the person who bought the last kolache on Saturday, leaving none for me; those who drive too slowly on the freeway
  5. Whoever designed the HFAC; the creators of Candy Crush; Congress; people who hover in the left lane of a two-lane highway, making it impossible to pass
  6. The intersection of University Avenue and Center Street; professors who give finals that actually take the whole three-hour block
  7. Mitch McConnell 
  8. People who can't figure out the basic noun-pronoun agreement rules in English
  9. People who tell me to take a chill pill and stop worrying so much about stuff that doesn't affect me

Peevishly yours, &c.

Heidi Book

A:

Dear NB,

Like Heidi, I try really hard to be nice to everyone. I am going to ditch that attitude completely for this answer, and it is going to feel so good.

  1. Cucumbers and everyone associated with them.
  2. Assyria and all its inhabitants, for coming in and messing up a perfectly good game I had going as Venice.
  3. The creators of obnoxious pop-up ads.
  4. Anyone who writes a badly-organized scholarly article.
  5. The guy who keeps doing donuts in the parking lot every night, and basically anybody who drives a huge truck but doesn't use it to haul stuff.
  6. Anyone who has ever applied the label "easy open" to something that was not, in fact, easy to open.
  7. Users of logical fallacies.
  8. People who say "if you're poor, it's because you deserve it" and use that as an excuse to cut social programs.
  9. Donald Trump.

-yayfulness

A:

Dear Nessie,

1. People who spit on the ground. As punishment they shall be parched for all eternity, unable to gather enough saliva to lick a stamp, much less spit on anything.

2. Musicians who use siren noises in their songs. Fiery imps will prod them as they're forced to dance the Hokey Pokey ad infinitum.

3. People who touch the glass on a door to hold it open instead of using the handle. Verily, they will spend eternity wiping away an everlasting smudge.

4. Lobbyists. They shall treasure up their money, but it shall become slippery, like unto an eel. (Seriously, they're going to open their safety deposit boxes and electric eels will come pouring out.)

5. Litterers. Hell is a highway, stretching out infinitely far, lined with the cigarette butts of a billion angels.

6. Holocaust-deniers. Actually, they shall be mansplained to for all eternity.

7. Drunk drivers. DUIers (not to be confused with DIYers) shall be chained to a rock and have their livers eaten out over and over again.

8. Rapists. Rapists will be thrown into a bottomless pit of white-hot coals. (But they were asking for it when they showed up in Hell dressed like that.)

9. People who leave shopping carts in the parking lot. Well, I can't think of a punishment horrible enough for people like that. Use your imaginations.

-Genuine Article