"Meetings don't have to be endless to be eternal." -Pres. James E. Faust
Question #89336 posted on 04/13/2017 5:09 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How do you move on? Even when you know it's the right thing to do?

- Heartbroken

A:

Dear heart,

You have to let me in. I'll help make sense of things, and then you can move forward. 

-Tristeza

A:

Dear Aching,

I think you need to give yourself time, and recognize that feelings of heartbreak are okay, and even natural. Feeling heartbreak means that what you felt mattered to you, and while it doesn't seem like it right now, that ability to love and feel is actually a great gift. I know it hurts, but it will also pass. It may feel like an eternity right now, but my personal experience has taught me that the midnight of dark emotion always gives way to a dawn of new light.

Have patience with yourself, my friend, and in the meantime, treasure the little moments of peace, beauty, and Godlike love you may experience. If you don't feel like you ever experience any of those things, search for them. Pray to be enveloped and actually feel the great love God has for you.

As always, if you would like to talk more, or even just have someone listen, you can reach me at anathema@theboard.byu.edu.

~Anathema

A:

Dear friend,

You sound like a really good, kind person. Whatever your situation, I hope you find peace on this. Letting go is hard, and it hurts, but it does heal. It takes time.

The writers above give excellent advice, and to their thoughts, I just want to add a few things. I mentioned above that it takes time--allow yourself time to come to terms with this, because it's not going to be easy for a while. If you feel hurt, or you miss this person, or you're angry at yourself for feeling this way towards them, just experience it. If you don't do it now, you'll still have these feelings but they'll just be bottled up inside and continue to hurt you.

Moving on is never easy, especially when you care about this person. Much of what I want to say is echoing Anathema's thoughts. Without knowing the situation, I can't really say a lot, but you probably have good memories with them and care about them a lot. This can be painful, but it also means that you were lucky enough to have someone who made you feel that way in your life, and someone who saying goodbye to could make you feel so much pain. If you hadn't, it wouldn't hurt so much right now moving on. So it might help you to reflect about how lucky you were to have that happiness in your life, even if it might be over now.

Saying goodbye to this person does involve some loss, but you'll have happiness in your life again. You'll have experiences, relationships, and moments that will bring you joy just as much as this moment brings you pain. This loss is worthy of grieving over. But the beauty of life is that you'll meet others who will bring you happiness, too. So know that while pain is a natural part of this process, you can have hope that the future will still be bright.

How and when this will heal can't really be said because the process of letting go is different for every situation. In time, you might be able to completely let go of this relationship and look back on it without any sadness. Or, like a scar, you may always feel some loss when you reflect. But I think maybe feeling joy for the time you shared can help the process of moving on a little, knowing that it's the right thing to do. It might also be helpful to take care of yourself while you're letting go of this person and focus on self-improvement so that you don't let go of yourself/your needs in the grieving process. 

I don't know if this helps you at all but hopefully it gives you some ideas on how to process this. I really am sorry to hear that you're going through this. This is a feeling I've experienced before, and sometimes I still feel sad about it and miss them. It does get easier, though, and you're a good person for wanting to do the right thing. If you need to talk, feel free to send an email (van.goff@theboard.byu.edu) and I'll support you however I can. But you can do this. You'll be okay.

-Van Goff

A:
 
Dear Me, about a week ago,
 
Fair warning: This'll be long and specifically for me. I hope that someone else can gain something from this, but it's mostly just cathartic for me right now.
 
You're going to hurt. You're going to feel like you've lost half of yourself and you'll never get it back. You'll cry for about three days straight, and you'll get emotional anytime you see or hear anything that reminds you of her. You'll miss her more than you've missed anything in your entire life.
 
Embrace that. It won't last, and it's a sign that the relationship was good, healthy, and that you invested everything that you are into the relationship. You've learned that it's never good or healthy for you to shut out your emotions, so don't do it now. Remember everything with as much happiness as you can muster.
 
You're also going to feel empty, unmotivated, and alone. There will be times when you feel worthless, unloved, and like you'll never be yourself again. You're going to feel like you messed things up, or that you hurt her. You'll feel like you'll never have anything like that again.
 
Don't embrace any of these things. Don't harbor any ill-will, any negative thoughts. Those feelings are irrational, won't help you heal, and it's not going to help anyone for you to be depressed, or to wallow in self-pity. Don't shut out your memories of her, but remember everything that you learned. She taught you a lot.
 
Someone will tell you that "it wasn't meant to be". You'll be tempted to think that means that you wasted time with her, or that you wasted her time, or that you made a mistake. Understand that it was absolutely meant to be, and that even though it's over, that doesn't mean it was wrong. I don't think you're supposed to marry the first person you love. Sometimes, especially in Mormon culture, I feel like dating is made out to be a series of failures, of relationships that weren't meant to be. Each failed relationship is just to be thrown away so we can try again. But I'm a firm believer that while you should completely move on, don't think of past relationships as "failed relationships". You learned so much. You learned how to love without holding back, and how to give all of yourself. You learned what it's like to care so much more about another person than about yourself.
 
Find someone to talk to. You're a deeply emotional person, and you need to express how you feel to someone. Holding everything inside will just distort how you really feel. It's a lot easier to be irrational to yourself than to someone who is sincerely listening and cares about you. Don't be afraid that you're going to inconvenience people around you. Be around people. Open up. You're usually really good at that but don't make an exception for dating. You have a lot of people who care about you, even if you're tempted to think otherwise. 
 
But at the same time, do not spend the next week constantly focusing on this relationship. You have a lot of things to be excited about, and you haven't lost who you are. Remember what you're passionate about, and put all of yourself into it. Work hard at work, study hard in school. Focus on the beauty of everything around you. Remember how much you love people. Listen to your favorite music pretty much constantly. You pretty much already do this, but don't let memories of her stop you from loving music or the world around you just because they remind you of her. 
 
Reach out to others around you. Remember that service is the best way for you to feel happy. Lift the burdens of others around you, and go above and beyond to care, communicate, and to serve. That may be one of the things that helps you the most. You're not alone.
 
Ice cream will be a great support as well. And stand-up comedy. You'll remember, much to your roommates' dismay, how cathartic playing music and singing is to you. Go on some long runs. Arrange some music. Write. Don't lose your passion for life, because it's not gone.
 
Remember that time is your friend. You never fully understand in the moment, but time will heal. Things won't be perfect in a week, but they'll be a lot better. You'll be in a much better place, and you'll have learned a lot. You'll learn a lot, and you'll grow a lot.
 
Remember that you're not naive for feeling this way. You're a deeply emotional person, and while that can be a big burden at times, you wouldn't have it any other way. You've learned a lot about yourself and relationships, and you learned how much you emotionally invest into a relationship. That means that you care deeply about other people but it also means that moving on and getting over relationships is hard. That's also why you'll feel so empty, and why you'll feel like part of you is gone. It's because you invest so much in your relationships with other people.
 
Most importantly, remember that your Father in Heaven is there for you. The knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven and the Gospel of Jesus Christ will pull you through anything.
 
Actually, maybe even more importantly, don't forget the ice cream.
 
Keep it real,
Sherpa Dave