"Meetings don't have to be endless to be eternal." -Pres. James E. Faust
Question #89212 posted on 03/28/2017 10:44 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I know in the church we put a lot of pressure on guys to get married? But why don't we put any pressure on the Women? Elder Ballard just loves to hammer us men saying you need to ask girls out! Meanwhile we ask girls out all the time and get rejected all the time. Girls are just always looking for the 666! 6 packs, over 6ft tall, and job offer for a 6-figure salary job. They just want a really, really social and suave Pierce Brosnan or something. They just love to date bad boyz, all-stars, and vivint bros. And since I've come to BYU it's gotten a lot worse over time (past 5 years). Before as evident from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84u5k4bboU4
Girls at the Y were OK with pretty much any worthy priesthood holding RM as recently as 2011. Now they're looking for the athlete who's going to become an Investment Banker or something. All of the girls who are in the 4-7 range just think they can date guys in the 8-10 (1-10 attractiveness scale) range. Normal girls think they can get some amazing guy and I'm not sure why? Is it Disney? Is it My Big Fat Greek Wedding? I don't get it! What gives

-Not a 666er

A:

Dear Not a 666er,

You know, I don't think I've actually encountered this attitude from any woman that I've talked to here at BYU, so I'm having a hard time relating to your question. Also, I think it's a bit odd that you seem to be implying that people should only date based on their "attractiveness scale" rating.

So, sorry, bro. I don't think I can help you out here.

-Frère Rubik 

A:

Dear Triple,

Okay, I have several issues with your question.

  1. Women do get pressure to get married. Seriously, I've been taught lessons on how I should get married since I entered Young Womens. My very first Sunday after I turned 12, the lesson was on the importance of marriage. Since then, that topic has had a very consistent presence in lessons and talks, increasing once I turned 18 and started going to YSA wards. Because it's not a cultural norm for women to ask men out, it's true we don't get the same sort of pressure to instigate dates, but that just means the pressure to get married takes a different form. 
  2. You say that women reject dates based on a very specific criterion. Has any woman actually told you she was rejecting you for those reasons? Indeed, have you ever heard a woman explicitly say she wouldn't go on a date with a guy because he wasn't a) tall enough, b) ripped enough, or c) rich enough? I certainly can't think of any examples. Speaking as a woman (so a much more credible source than your bitter conjectures), I have never said no to a date based on any of those things.
  3. I find it offensive for you to be ranking girls, and passing judgement on who you personally think they're worthy to be dating. The way you phrase your question, you sound indignant that some girls think they're good enough for certain guys. I've got news for you: every single girl that you mentally put into the very limiting box of "4-7" is a daughter of God. She has greater potential than you (or anyone) can currently even comprehend.

Now that my rant is over, I'm going to try and give you some advice. Don't focus so much on the attributes that you perceive as desirable, i.e. height, fitness, and wealth. Instead, focus on the things that truly matter. Focus on your divine potential, and your relationship with God, because that will make you happier than I think anything else could.

~Anathema

A:

Dear you,

When I was dating around, guys who painted my entire gender with a broad, negative brush were unattractive to me. In my opinion, it either indicated immaturity, misogyny, or a lack of critical thinking skills. So have you ever considered that it's your attitude towards women that's the problem?

And Mormon women face tons of cultural pressure to get married. Unlike men, who are expected to have careers, the cultural expectation for women is that being a wife and mother will be their utmost priority. Because of this, if Mormon women don't get married, whether it's by choice or whether they would love to be married and just haven't found someone, it can be hard to figure out what to do in the meantime. If they pursue education, careers, or other goals, they're accused of being too "worldly" or "not caring about family" or "intimidating". If they don't pursue other goals, they don't have anything to fulfill them and that's just miserable.

Trust me, Mormon women face tons of pressure to get married. Tons. It's actually becoming a huge problem, because men are leaving the Church at higher rates than women, which leaves Mormon women with fewer prospects for a temple marriage.

Men and women are pressured to marry differently, but a ton of pressure exists for each gender. For guys, I'm sure it is miserable to feel like you're constantly harped on about going on dates. For women, it's awful to have all this cultural pressure to marry while simultaneously facing a cultural expectation that you can't ask people on dates or initiate relationships as much in the same way.

I think that the current culture needs some reform in respect to both men and women, but I don't think that Mormon culture is uniquely unfair to men while letting women off the hook.

-Zedability

A:

Dear Perfect Ten,

Maybe you should work on developing at least one of those three 6's and you'll see success. I mean, you can't do much about your height other than platform shoes, but you could always go to the gym or change your major.

Then again, you could also try looking at women respectfully, not complaining about your date-less situation and blaming women for it (when I know plenty of guys who don't meet the so-called 6-6-6- rule and go on lots of dates), not talking about how you give women low scores on an attractiveness scale, and not demonizing all women when it sounds like you've never actually talked to one.

But I don't know, man, it's your choice.

-Alta

A:

Dear friend,

I've noticed that when I feel like everyone else has a problem, I'm usually the one who needs to change, not them. I'm wondering if in this situation, that might be happening for you. Generally, people don't want to date people who are bitter and blame them for their own insecurities. People also like to date others who see them as humans, not objects. You might want to work on your respect for women (and maybe your own self-esteem) before you resume dating.

-Van Goff

A:

Dear reader,

I am 5'5". I don't have a six pack. I make significantly less than 6 figures (unless you count the two zeros that represent cents). AND........I got married last year.

Happy dating!

-Sunday Night Banter

A:

Son, 

It's okay. Chill. Just because they're all saying 'no' now doesn't mean one won't say 'yes' soon. 

In the meantime, give yourself a little more love, so that you don't have to hate everybody else. 

-Auto Surf doesn't project her issues on to readers