By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. -George Carlin
Question #89129 posted on 03/13/2017 5:30 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Uuuuuugghhhh.

I just spent a solid chunk of time writing a rather lengthy question, and then when I went to preview it I lost my internet connection. And everything I just typed. (I also spilled 2.5 hours worth of work in the form of a licorice compound in organic chemistry today right before I finished. Today is just not my day.) It's really late and I'm tired, but I felt the need to at least ask SOMETHING after spending so much time on it already.

So, would you please tell me a funny story? The truer the better.

-Pear

A:

Dear Pear,

Back in high school I worked at a Chick-Fil-A in a mall food court, and it would get very loud and hectic during the lunch rush. When we could help the next customer, we were supposed to raise our hand and say, "I can serve the next guest!" Being a naturally loud person, I was pretty good at projecting and making sure people could hear me, even when it was loud and busy. Well, one day I was having a pretty awful day, and we were having a screaming busy lunch rush, so I decided to say a quiet prayer in my head to ask for help in making it through the day. I started my prayer right as I raised my hand to help the next customer, but instead of saying, "I can serve the next guest!" I yelled, "Dear Heavenly Father!" to the entire food court. Looking my next customer in the eye after that was as awkward and embarrassing as you probably imagine it would be.

Speaking of my experience in the food industry, I've had several jobs that require me to work closely with customers, so to entertain myself I started mentally assigning a Clueless Customer of the Week award. And let me tell you, there were some interesting ones. Some of the clueless customers that come to mind include the guy who asked, "So does the Parmesan pasta have cheese?", the woman who wanted to cancel her pest control subscription because every time after we sprayed her house she found dead bugs, and the woman who was convinced that she didn't need to pay for anything the company I was working for had done for her, because she "wasn't too sure if she wanted it when [she] signed the contract." When I told her that because she did in fact sign a contract, she was legally obligated to pay, she said in the most outraged voice I've ever heard, "But this is America!" And that's the story of how I had to tell an old lady, "And in America we honor contracts."

-Alta

A:

Dear friend, 

Your request reminds me of a YA book by Ned Vizzini (one of my heroes as a young reader... rest in peace, man). It may or may not be of interest to you... but It's Kind Of A Funny Story.
 
Ba-dum tss.
 
These are the jokes, kid.
 
-Van Goff
A:

Dear Pear and Citrus (a delicious combination),

When I was a little girl (like, six at the oldest), I started all my prayers with the phrase "Dear Heavenly Father in Heaven." This eventually became habit, and I just said it without even realizing I was. 

One day, Alta finally mentioned this idiosyncrasy, so I could correct it. This was when I was fourteen. I was literally beginning every single prayer from the time I was six to when I was fourteen with "Heavenly Father in Heaven." Apparently my mother never corrected me during all this time because she thought it was cute.

Now for my second story: I've always been prone to getting stomachaches. One time, around the time I was thirteen, I had a particularly bad stomachache (it was either stress-induced or indigestion--I can't remember), and my mom told me that I had cramps. Considering the context, I then thought that "cramps" was a synonym for "bad stomachache." A short while later, my family and I were in Las Vegas for my brother's wedding. While there, I got a bad stomachache, and then proceeded to go around telling everyone I had really bad cramps.

Again, it was Alta who brought what I was truly saying to my attention, since apparently my mother was perfectly fine with my awkward public announcements. Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified.

~Anathema

A:

Dear person,

No.

-Lord Voldemort