A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. -Erma Bombeck
Question #21534 posted on 12/15/2005 midnight
Q:

Dear Petra,

I notice that you and Optimistic argue/flirt a lot. What's with that? Are you two dating? and if not, would you consider dating? I think you two would make a great board couple.

-Matchmaker

A: Dear Yenta,

I'm not sure, but I had to sit between those two at a recent board gathering... I nearly didn't survive the night. So, there could be an underlying soap opera here...

You never know.

That is all.

Horatio
A: Dear I already have a match, but thank you very much for asking,

And I had to sit just one seat away from the whole scene, and it got pretty interesting from my view as well...

And that's the way the cookie crumbles,
Nike
A: Dear Matchmaker,

I, for one, am prepared to completely and unequivocally deny any sort of romantic entanglement with that woman. Sure we argue and whatnot, but it's just in fun. We only argue on topics that we both know stuff about (ex.: Board Question #21180 and Board Question #21469). Don't you worry, though, there's nothing there beyond that. Nothing. You hear me? Nothing.

Nothing.

Honestly, you people. So nosy.

- Optimistic.
A: Dear Matchmaker,

I also was sitting one seat away from the romance action, and, well... let's just say I had to avert my eyes on multiple occasions.

Quandary
A: Dear Match,

Quandary had to avert his eyes... I had to duck and cover.

That is all.

Horatio
A: Dear Matchmaker,

I won't say much but I will say that those two didn't make conducting the meeting any easier.

Good grief.

-Pa Grape
A: Matchmaker,

Mrs. Motionite and I were both getting quesy watching the obvious hand-holding. Oh, they didn't actually hold hands, but you could see in their eyes that they wanted to, and that is just as much as the actual deed itself!

And the sharing of food from each others'fingers was gross too. Of course, like the hand holding, it didn't spill out into the tangible world, but stayed up in their minds, spilling out in a language they can only speak to each other.

Blech!

Happy Hunting
-Motionite

P.S. isn't it funny that Horatio said "That is all" and had something else to say?
A: Dear Matchmaker,

Just one more reason why being on the Board is just that much better for your social life. Granted it hasn't done anything for me, but hey, we've got one couple on the Board who are getting married soon, so why couldn't there be the prospect of another one?

He he.

-Zantedeschia
A: Dear matchmaker,

Let's just say I was properly scandalized by their behavior in the romantic ol' HBLL.

Heinous!

~L'Afro
A: Dear make me a match,

While Horatio was holding down the fort between them in a chair, I was wedged between their feet on the floor.
Their attempts at footsie resulted in me getting a little more tender touching from Petra's sneaker than I would have preferred....

Salacious details aside, Petra has already made the state of her affection known: Board Question #21353
PS: Optimistic, I think I love you.


In the words of David "Keith Partridge" Cassidy, so what are you so afraid of?

-la bamba
A: Dear bringing the groom,

Notice, please, all, that this question was addressed to me. Therefore, my answer is the only one that counts, and I'll tell you the Truth: we are not dating, nor will we ever be. We're both as single as can be. We're good friends, yes, but we're just too different to make a relationship work: his favorite Radiohead album is Amnesiac, and mine is Kid A. It wouldn't be pretty. Thus, the world, hélas, will forever be deprived those brilliant little baby Boardies Optimetra and Petristic.

These other Board writers are just trying to spice up their sad little lives by inventing romances that don't exist. Exaggerators and prevaricators, all of them. Don't let them fool you. And, come on, "their behavior in the romantic ol' HBLL?" I don't know what L'Afro is talking about. Sure, we argue a lot, but I argue with everyone. Sure, we made the meeting a little hard to conduct, but I make every meeting a little hard to conduct. And sure, I may have accidentally brushed his knee once or twice, and yes, he accidentally grabbed my...elbow, but that's just NCAT (non-committal appendage touching, for the uninformed). There's nothing behind it. As Optimistic so elegantly put it,

<BIG>Nothing.</BIG>

To steal a phrase from Horatio, that is all.

-Petra



A: Dear Matchmaker,

I, too, had to sit near them myself at the said meeting. Let me just say that those two made me feel "awkward." We're talking Awkward with a capital "A".

Please don't hate me (and trust me those two don't hate each other if you catch my drift).

-- Brutus
A:

Dear Readers and Writers all,

You're looking for the truth. You're looking for levelheaded, unbiased fact. You're confused, wondering exactly what is going on, and you think it's funny, but you're not sure where you stand on the issue. Are they dating? Just flirting a lot? Bitter enemies? Or has it all been invented by a random reader, or worse, some juvenile roommate whose idea of high humor consists of hearing the word "orifice" again and again? Could they actually be already married, secretly? Well, I'm not sure. But I do bring something to help clear this all up.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I figure that's a good length for a response. Several thousand, and the editors will have to love me for doing so much during a very busy and hectic finals time. Love me, editors! Love me, readers and writers alike! My... can you just feel the love in the air? Let's see if you can visualize it, too, with the help of my friend and confederate, Morningglow.


Here you'll see them in an elevator. Now, this could be a few things. See, we all know from action and romance movies that elevators are prime private spots, and some pretty intense moments can be had in an otherwise unoccupied elevator. But Board Writers tend to know that not all the elevators are so private as some people think, and that the library security might have a good laugh over their romantic interlude. The embrace you see here might just be the result of a little turbulence, and each acting instinctively to save the other.


Here you will see a seemingly innocent picture. Just two good friends, awash with Christmas spirit, about to ascend some stairs. If you shift your gaze to the top of this picture, though, you will see the telltale "Periodicals" sign. I hope I don't have to explain to my dear readership what a compromising area of the library that is. You've all seen the editorials asking married people to refrain from working in there, as it makes it harder to find the single babes to pick up on. You know that the slogan so often applied to Vegas works equally well in the Periodicals. Unless someone brings a camera.


Now, if you were careless, this might seem even more compromising. But you're all levelheaded judges, who don't take what you see for granted. Seeing might be believing for some, but you know that appearances can be deceiving. So although all signs point to this being a shameless show of knee-touching, flirting with emotions best left untapped, there is a slight chance that these two might just be nursing students looking for good veins in each other's hands. Or they could be trying that old "if my hand is bigger than your knee, you have malaria!" trick. It could be any number of things. So I know that none of you will leap to that island of conclusions.



You're probably wondering how I'm going to explain this one away. It seems pretty obvious, really. They're kissing. Disgusting display. Petra's foot is even popped up, she's so into it. But if you thought that, you'd be forgetting we Board Writers lead deeply secret and secretive lives. Did you ever consider the option that they are both international spies? If you didn't, I'm surprised at you. Bad form, not thinking of all the options. Optimistic is here whispering a highly controversial secret to Petra. Why, you ask, has she forgotten to angle her ear towards his mouth? Elementary. That would make the whole scheme obvious. No one must know, until the plan is in effect. Petra's leg doubles not only as proof that they are only two young BYU co-eds in love, but as a reply to his message. It may not look it, but look at the angle of the ankle, the twist of the thigh, the cut of her calf. She's not lost in the moment. A gesture which here means "I see what you mean. Perhaps we should split up, and you take the "Christmas Gift" to the "Tooth Fairy," while I "drop in" on "Mother Hubbard" and "ask" how her "son" is. Any questions?"

Then again, it seems rather unlikely that they're international spies, just happening past the periodicals after checking for malaria sickness, and still the type of people that will get easily jarred by an elevator and have to reach to steady each other. But it could be true. Innocent until proven guilty, that's our country's motto. You'd do well to follow it, readers.

Dear Petra and Optimistic only,
Look, I tried. I really did. When a reader comes to you with compromising pictures and tells you to include them in a response or she'll expose your own dark secrets, there's only so much you can do. And I did a lot. I covered for you and made up some very plausible stories. No one will ever be one-hundred percent sure about you two. But honestly, what can be said about that last picture? International Spies? What do you mean, you'd like me to meet your mutual friend "Peter Piper?" Anyway it's better you roasted than me. So I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to cut your losses and deal with it. No one must ever know about- well, I don't suppose I should say, even to you. After all, Morningglow might still be around.


There you have it, folks. Irrefutable evidence of I'm not sure what. But it's sure intriguing, isn't it? Good luck in making your decision.

-Uffish Thought, champion of truth and fairness.

Postscript- these pictures are genuine. You can tell by the way they are stealthily taken through the shelves, in crowded areas, or when the people pictures were not noticing much else. Also, the writers didn't have time to put masks on over their distinctive heads to blend in with the others students and get away. No one was harmed, and reputations were only slightly besmirched in the making of this answer.

A: Dear Everybody,

Th' question was raised once in the recent past as t' the behaviour / attributes of Novel & Horatio's little 'uns. What about the offspring of Petristic? Now I see the real meaning behind Pietri- . . . And Uffish, ye better be nicer or else there might appear photographs of a certain, shall I say, pool incident?

-BritBoy
A: Dear Match,

The most recent board gathering was an interesting gathering. Lots of crazy emotions were flying every where. It was like hey... look out!. Some serious energy in there.

I mean... it got to the point where la bamba thought I was propositioning her. Not that I'm saying that would be a bad thing (in an entirely respectful and chaste form of the word "proposition")...

See what a stir you have uncovered. Now we'll have to keep people updated... As the Board Turns.

Like sands through the hourglass, so passes the latest board intrigue...

So, I hope you're satisfied. Becuase this is all we're gonna tell ya!

Respectfully Yours,

Gilligan.
A: Dear All,

Does anyone else think that Optimistic denied all involvement a little too quickly? Petra too... hmmm...

I dunno... I'm suspicious.

Petra was right about one thing... she does argue with everybody. Hey, I had to say it.

-floyd-
A: Matchmaker,
Upon my daily stroll to the top of the Y I witnessed such a sight--these two lovers were embracing and attempting all the while to climb that jutting mountain. Twas quite the show, my dear friend, as they rolled, fell, and hugged whilst walking.
Fare thee well,
michealangeles