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ID#: 39190	Area: Archive	Submitted: 2007-09-09 20:31:16	Posted: 2007-09-15 03:01:02
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QDear 100 Hour Board,

*Disclaimer* I know that this question has been asked before but I wanted to see what ya'll new writers had to say about it because I thought the other question was funny. If you were going to get rid of 3 states in the US which ones would you choose? Also, no stealing the answers from previous writers.

-The Cheeky Chickie

ADear Cheeky,

DISCLAIMER: I've never seen the previous answer considering three removable states. Any similarities in my answer and the answers already proffered on the Board are coincidence, or perhaps more likely due to the fact that everyone at some point or other has asked, "Do we really need North Dakota?"

DISCLAIMER—PART TWO: Please, please, please, do not send in all sorts of questions asking why your state was regarded in a flippant manner. If you read the following list carefully, you will note that every state is treated in a flippant manner.

DISCLAIMER—PART THREE: This is entirely arbitrary. At no point do I attempt to act in an unbiased manner.

So, let us pretend that, due to budget cuts, it has been determined that the ideal number of states for the Union is no longer 50, which was always excessive if you think about it, but 47. Thusly, we must determine what three states are, in fact, expendable. Let's go ahead and first determine what states are safe, and what the reasoning is for the safety of those states:

THESE STATES ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE:

1) Hawaii: Hello? Have you seen those beaches? Every nation needs a primo vacation spot; Hawaii is safe.

2) Utah: A few reasons: (1) I lived there and I like the state. (2) BYU football, the nation cannot do without (or at least the arbitrary writer of this list cannot). (3) National Parks. (4) Utah Jazz (they're getting better). (5) A Utahn was instrumental in inventing the television, and our country would not be the same without television.

3) New York: Hold whatever opinions you want about it, that state (and specifically that city) define the nation in popular culture. No city is more identifiable as "America" than NYC (and yes, that includes Washington, D.C.). And all the Marvel superheroes hang out in New York.

4) Virginia: Historical significance drips off this state. And I lived there and liked it.

5) South Carolina. Miniature golf capital of the world. No other defense needed in my book.

6) Massachusetts: It's got the same history thing as Virginia saving it. And Boston is a pretty sweet city. Oh, and basketball was invented there.

Number of Absolutely Safe States: 6

Total States Discussed: 6

Now that the absolutely safe states are out of the way, let us consider states that have enough redeeming value to not be in danger:

STATES THAT ARE COOL, BUT ARE NOT AS COOL AS THE STATES THAT ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE:

1) New Hampshire: It has the whole first presidential primary thing going for it.

2) Alaska: Great place to get away to, and I hear tell of some oil up there...

3) California: Lots of coastline, lots of entertainment production, but too much ego to be in the top category.

4) Arizona: Grand Canyon...sure it's a big hole, but what a hole it is.

5) Florida: Eh, it has a reputation as a nice place to vacation, it has Disneyworld, and my sister served her mission in Fort Lauderdale.

6) Michigan: Something about this state is just fantastic. I can't quite put my finger on it...

7) Illinois: Chicago, deep dish pizza...need I say more?

8) Indiana: I know much of America is reveling over Notre Dame's fall from grace this year, and I'll be the first to admit that they are annually overrated in college football, but college football would not be the same without Notre Dame. Notre Dame Stadium is the Mecca of college football.

9) Kansas: Buster Keaton is from Kansas. That automatically makes the state wicked awesome.

10) Mississippi: It's so much fun to spell, it has to remain part of the union (every kid is so excited when they can spell it quickly; we can't take that away from future generations of Americans).

11) Missouri: The ice cream cone was invented there. That's a notable contribution to American society.

12) North Carolina: Not as cool as South Carolina, but you always make college basketball interesting.

13) Oregon: When I picture this state it is very green in my mind. I like that. So I say we keep it.

14) Pennsylvania: Scranton, the home of Dunder-Mifflin, Inc. Paper Company, the home of the faux documentary show "The Office" is in Pennsylvania.

Number of Serviceable States: 14

Total So Far: 20

Some states are simply innocuous: no reason to keep them, no reason to let them go.

STATES THAT JUST ARE:

1) Colorado: Not much to say about states in this category...but the state does celebrate Mike the Headless Chicken Day...that's pretty cool.

2) Connecticut: It has Yale...but what else?

3) Delaware: First state to ratify the Constitution. Way to go, Delaware.

4) Georgia: Atlanta, the Olympics, the burning of Atlanta...not sure what to do with this one.

5) Idaho: Absolutely nothing offensive about this state. But mostly it́’s known for growing potatoes; I'm not sure that makes it an automatic keeper.

6) Alabama: The song "Sweet Home Alabama": cool. Not much else sticks out about this state though...

7) Iowa: The state's name starts with two vowels...that's pretty rare.

8) Kentucky: Abraham Lincoln was born there, but so was Jefferson Davis. Those sort of cancel each other out.

9) Oklahoma: The Sooner State...not sure what to say about this one...the Texas/Oklahoma football rivalry is notable.

10) Tennessee: The second coolest state to spell, but still far, far behind Mississippi.

11) Washington: Seattle, home to a lot of rain, but also the very humorous sitcom "Frasier."

Number of States that just are: 11

Number so far: 31

STATES THAT AREN'T ALL THAT COOL, BUT AREN'T IN THE "GET RID OF" PILE:

1) Louisiana: Its biggest contribution to American culture, jazz, saves it. Its next biggest contribution, Mardi Gras, almost gets it kicked out of the country. But if a few more storms catch the government unawares, this state might just move down to the "get rid of" list.

2) Maryland: It gave up some of its land to make Washington, D.C.; would it be willing to give up the rest of its land to make 47 states? Probably not...

3) Arkansas: Not much to say about Arkansas, but it is the home to the first Wal-Mart, so that puts it a notch below "innocuous."

4) Ohio: Similar to the reasoning about Michigan, something about this state is just off...I can't quite put my finger on it.

5) Nebraska: This state is down here because I've had to drive through it multiple times...that's a tough stretch of road to stay alert on. And based on the random tire marks that skid off the highway in scary directions, I'm assuming I'm not the only one that has had that problem.

6) Minnesota: Not the most notable state in the history of the U.S. And it gets really cold there; it's practically Canada already...

7) New Jersey: This state has a rough reputation, but if I put it in the "get rid of" list, it might whack me.

8) Texas: If not for the fact that my brother lives there this one would be in the "get rid of" list. The natives are more arrogant than Californians, and that is hard to imagine.

9) Vermont: I'm sure this state is lovely. But I've never seen it, and Í’m guessing most Americans have not either.

10) Wisconsin: On the Wikipedia page for Wisconsin, the "miscellaneous topics" section is dominated by a discussion of cheese. You lose marks for that one.

Number of Questionable States: 10

Number so far: 41

STATES ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK

1) Rhode Island: Really, if this state's land mass was taken over by a neighboring state, would anyone notice? (No offense, Rhode Island natives, but it's itty bitty.)

2) and 3) North and South Dakota: Why are there two of these?

4) Maine: To quote Katya, "Maine has no sports teams, ergo it does not exist." If it does not exist, who will miss it?

5) Nevada: It's all desert, except the big city whose slogan is "Come sin here and we won't tell anybody. No really, you can do anything this side of murder and we're looking the other way! No wait, scratch that, we're not going to look the other way, we're going to watch and find ways to make it easier for you to do it!" I'm not seeing many saving graces.

6) West Virginia: It is forever overshadowed by its non-directionally nomenclatured relative. If there's a West Virginia, but no East Virginia...well, let's just say an inferiority complex is understandable.

7) New Mexico: We stole enough land from Mexico (i.e., a whole heckuva lot of our country), we probably should give them something back. Why not the state named after the country we took it from?

8) Montana: Lowest population density in the nation;that's a whole lotta land being used for a whole lotta nothing.

9) Wyoming: The least populous state in the U.S.

Number of States on Chopping Block: 9

Number so far: 50

So here's what I propose: We don't actually want to get rid of any land, because we're Americans. We take land, we don't give it away (so New Mexico is safe). Rather than eliminating states entirely, I propose that we combine some states.

North and South Dakota, from here on out you're simply Dakota. West Virginia, sorry, but you're now part of Virginia. Montana and Wyoming...well, nobody really lives in either of those states, so I doubt anybody will mind if you become Wymoning...or Montaming. The three people who live there can get together and have a vote about which name they prefer.

And thusly, from 50 to 47 states without losing any land mass.

-Humble Master

ADear Humble Master ~

Ignoring Disclaimer 2

I hearby dare you to go 1 full month without eating any potatoes of any form and say that again about Idaho.

~ Dragon Lady

ADear Dragon Lady

The express purpose of disclaimers is that they should not be ignored. Do you realize what you've done? Now the three residents of the newly christened Montaming are going to write in, claiming to ignore disclaimer: part two and ask why I disrespected their state. And you've given license to the much more sizable population of Texas to write in against me. Thank you very much, Dragon Lady. Thank you very much.

-Humble Master

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