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Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, I am in serious trouble. I have gone from being a really smart academic kid to someone who quite literally more often skips class than attends, I miss a lot of assignments and know my grades are going to be horrible. I was offered full tuition, but if I lose it I don't know what I'll do. Being surrounded by thin beautiful girls who only talk about how fat and ugly they are has turned my eating disorder into very severe binge eating. The weight I'm gaining only makes me hate myself more. I am having a very hard time fitting in and while I love the girls on my floor they all have groups and hang out and I don't. I have a few guy friends, but am having an extremely tough time with one of them (which is making everything much harder) and the other two aren't close enough to talk to about more than music and Harry Potter and weird international movies. I am at such a loss. I know that I need to read my scriptures, pray, attend the temple, and serve others like nobody's business but I cannot motivate myself to do so; I find myself pulling away from God when I need Him most, and part of that is because initially I was doing these things but trials weren't taken away and I was selfish and wanted Him to just make things easier. Deep inside I do not want to be this selfish and stubborn. I want to be righteous. I want to make others happy. But I have gotten myself so deeply stuck in a ditch that I am not even sure if I can find a way out anymore, and if there's a way out I have no idea how to begin. How can I make myself do these things (pray etc, see above), and what else can I do to turn my life around?
ADear person, Your question is one of those that I want to address all at once so my response comes out all muddled, so the only way I can think to write a response that makes sense is with a lot of frankness. I hope that's alright. I also apologize that this answer is so heinously long, but I promise that I only wrote what I thought would be the most useful to you. What I see in your question is a lot of ways in which you feel inadequate. I'll talk about each one in more detail later, but there's school, your eating disorder and weight gain, your lack of satisfactorily close relationships, and the ways you think you're falling short in church. I'm likely completely wrong about everything I'm about to say, but I see it happening in kind of a chain, maybe because that is how I've experienced it. Maybe you came to BYU as a really intelligent person with a really strong academic background, though you had problems with your body image and possibly some problems feeling accepted socially as well. Maybe when both of those came to a head at around the same time your inadequacies manifested themselves in your feeling a bit worthless, which made it hard to get to classes, which made you feel more worthless, which made it harder to get to classes. Maybe now you've got a great cycle going, and it's made its way into how you feel about church. And you know, I bet that you're pretty darn good looking, that you have pretty normal just-met-them-a-few-weeks-ago relationships, and that you're just as intelligent as ever. I'm not saying that to invalidate your feelings or your struggles, both of which I'm positive are very real and very difficult to deal with. I'm just saying that to illustrate my final conclusion: I bet you are doing well enough religiously that you don't need to be beating yourself up like this. You aren't perfect, I'm sure. Maybe you could stand to devote more time to scripture study or more time serving others. My point is that maybe you are placing too much focus there. If you started doing all of the church related things you mention, the rest would not automatically fix itself. You didn't ask how you can find motivation to attend class or how you could overcome your eating disorder or how you could form closer relationships. You asked only how to motivate yourself to read your scriptures, pray, attend the temple, and "serve others like nobody's business." I respect that you want to put the Church first and everything, but it seems to me like that isn't really the issue. And, frankly, at least as far as the service thing goes, you have a duty first to you and second to others. As far as I'm aware, the counsel to serve others to get yourself out of the doldrums applies only as far as you're a little blue and not as far as you feel like your life is out of control. Maybe you could see your bishop and talk over what is bothering you with him, and see what you can take from that exchange. If you haven't figured it out by now, though, I really think there's more to be fixed in the first half of your question than in the second half. First thing to address (and you knew this was coming): if you aren't already in therapy, I strongly recommend you make yourself an appointment. I hope you're doing that already for your eating disorder, but if you aren't, I really, really think you should consider it, if for no other reason than your eating disorder isn't under control at present. I know that I'm a broken record about therapy, but really, it can work wonders if you're committed to it. The point of therapy is to change the way you think about yourself and what you're facing. It seems to me that you are definitely facing some cognitive fallacies around a lot of the issues that you mention, and therapy has been instrumental for me in facing my own cognitive fallacies. I could not have done it myself, at least not in the same time period. Therapy is not about being weak and needing help. It's about being brave enough to see that things are not alright and taking responsibility for yourself. This is especially important for you because of your eating disorder. And I'll say it again: it's been absolutely instrumental for me and for both of the people whose opinions I sought when I was first trying to answer your question. Living in the dorms can be really, really tough if you don't fit the standard mold. I know I had a hard time there. Hoo boy, did I have problems with my self-image and, to some extent, with my relationships. Both of these problems improved by leaps and bounds once I moved off campus. Be patient with your friends. You did only meet them a few weeks ago. I understand what it is to feel a little socially stranded. If things get too overwhelming, pick the one who will be the most understanding, and straight-up ask him if you can tell him about a hard time you're having. He will probably say yes. RAs are all about listening to stuff like this so you can try yours. In the meantime, what about finding the other girls who haven't successfully found groups to hang out with and trying to hang out with them? They're out there, and there are a lot of them. When I was an RA I noticed at least a couple per floor in my building. Look out for them, and invite them to study with you or head over to the Cannon with you or host a movie night in your room. Join clubs whose members have a very specific interest in common (are you interested in other religions? Email me and I'll add you to my religion visiting email list). Hang out with people you meet at work. Make witty comments to the person who sits next to you in a class for some days in a row, and then invite them to go out with you. I think that a wider circle of friends could be good for you. Also, look into the Woman's Wellness Body Image Group. This is going to sound a little weird, but it really does help to have close associations with people who are facing similar struggles, and one of my friends who has done group therapy at the BYU Counseling Center says it was one of the best things he ever did. Oh man, do I understand not being able to make it to classes, and the fact that you're having so much trouble worries me, frankly. I know that it isn't a good head space to be in, and it's another reason I really think you should try therapy. However, short term a good idea would be to talk to your professors. Tell them that you've had a hard time, and ask what you can do about your grades. The good news is that if you're in a lot of lower-level classes they're big so there will be a curve and a lot of other students are probably doing the same thing, albeit for different reasons. Some professors will probably shrug and tell you to study hard for the rest of the exams, and that's okay, but some will probably be really understanding and try to help you out as much as possible. During one particularly bad semester I was very surprised about how accommodating my professors were. Don't be afraid to ask. They want you to do well. Like I said earlier, I spoke to a couple friends about your question, and one of them specifically took an interest in your question. He said you reminded him a bit of himself a couple of years ago. I really liked the way he worded some of his thoughts, so I'm going to share them with you verbatim.
Good luck. I hope things go better for you. If you need someone to talk to about all of this or if you feel like I've misunderstood what you've said and want feedback from a more accurate picture of the situation, feel free to email me at byublacksheep (at) gmail (dot) com. - The Black Sheep Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, Geospatial Intelligence seems like an awesome major. What kind of jobs can one get from pursuing this area of study? - Google Earth nerd
ADear Google Earth nerd (isn't it awesome?)- What an astoundingly timely question! I happen to be in this major (attention, stalkers: I have just narrowed myself down to one of about 30 individuals on campus), and looking for jobs! I swear I didn't plant this question (why would I?), but you may be helping me out by asking it. As the name implies, this emphasis focuses on intelligence. Thus, it's likely (or at least ideal) that graduates will pursue careers or further education in the intelligence community. Most people I know are applying for internships or jobs at one or more of the following: the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), the Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA), the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency (NGA), or the State Department. Most of the positions will involve interpreting imagery, analyzing intelligence, writing reports, briefing policymakers (generally elected officials, up to and including POTUS), or some combination thereof; further specificity depends on what agency/organization you work for and your duties within it. For instance, the State department is primarily interested in diplomatic issues, while the NGA and DIA are both military-affiliated agencies. For a broad overview, check out this site, or look at the individual site (there's a tab for "Careers" or "Jobs" on each of them) if one sounds particularly interesting. Of course, that's not all. Diplomacy itself is a potential option, especially if you speak another language (and especially if it's a difficult or strategically important language, such as Arabic or Mandarin Chinese). It could also be a good base for graduate work in geography, area studies, law, international relations, or political science; the major itself is already a blend of geography and politics, so it lends itself well to many diverse fields. There are also some great related graduate programs, such as an M.A. in National Security Studies at California State University San Bernardino, Georgetown, and others. Most of these schools have direct connections to and excellent placement rates with some of the aforementioned government organizations. Basically, lame as it may sound in layman's terms, the basic idea of a geography major is this: "If you know enough stuff about the world and its people, you can figure out what's happening, why it's happening, and what to do about it." Say someone detonates a bomb somewhere; knowing their country, ethnic background, language, and religion are probably going to tell you a lot about what they want and what else they might do in the future. In a larger sense, it's honestly appalling how little some people know about the world. After TAing Geography 120, I was shocked at how many people, for instance, didn't realize the Nile flows north into the Mediterranean. Or that Iran is very, very different from other countries typically associated with "the Middle East" (seriously, Iran and any given Arab country are probably more different from one another than, say, Germany and France). It pays to know something about the world; if nothing else, you can try to do your part to lessen the widespread (and--sadly--too often true) belief that Americans are ignorant of everyone else on the planet. I'm sure the general public has now read (or skipped) more than they bargained for. If you have any more questions about Geospatial Intelligence or the geography program in general, shoot me an email at foreman(dot)theboard(at)gmail(dot)com. It's a great major! -Foreman ADear nerd, I'd also recommend looking into the DOE National Laboratories. I know that people with this particular skillset are needed at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. I could tell you more, but then I'd have to send one of our guys to kill you. -Curious Physics Minor Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, What would happen if someone wanted to get baptized, but they had some sort of medical condition or disability that made it unsafe for them to be immersed in water? - Nerd Girl
ADear Nerd Girl, Local leaders (the bishop and the stake president) would consult with the baptismal candidate and see if there were any way the baptism could be performed. (Carefully covering wounds with a waterproof material, etc.) If they could not resolve the issue, the matter would be referred to the First Presidency. I'm sure it has happened before, but I don't know what the First Presidency usually does in such situations. Incidentally, I met a man on my mission whose skin was essentially allergic to water. (I don't remember the details, but I do know that immersion in water would have been a severe medical emergency.) He never expressed interest in getting baptized, though, so my near-preparation for this question seems to have been for naught. -Yellow ADear Nerdides, What condition (besides being allergic to water) can you think of that would be most dangerous for people intending to be in water? Complete paralysis? That is what I thought, too. Early in my mission, I helped baptize a guy who was paralyzed from the neck down (I think he had a broken neck) who couldn't breathe without a respirator. He wasn't a small man, either; he was about 6'4" and over 200 lbs. That is a big dude to carry around, especially when we had to be super careful with his neck and head. We ended up practicing with my companion, who was about that size, and realized we couldn't do it in a baptismal font. Undeterred, we talked with our mission president and he got authorization to baptize him in the Puget Sound! The wide open space on the beach made it easier to have about ten people to carry him into the water and support his head. We carried him on a sheet (we meaning not me, as I had long since been transferred) and had four people very carefully push him under the water. Very little of that 200+ lbs was muscle so he was very buoyant. After that, those four assisted the other ten people in carrying him out of the water. I didn't hear how they handled the respirator deal, now that I think about it. To wrap up, I believe that if a medical condition made it unsafe for a person to get baptized, people would figure out a safer way, then do it if they were that determined to get baptized. The missionaries would appeal to their mission president, who would go through the proper channels to get authorization, and it would happen. Dr. Smeed ADear Nerd Girl Allow me to pass on some mission hearsay. I heard that some elders in my mission had an investigator that wanted to get baptized, but who had recently had heart surgery. Apparently it would be months before he could be immersed in water because of this, so he had to wait. A few companionships later the time had come that he could now be baptized, but he no longer believed the Church was true. So he was not. Not a happy ending to the story. But it was passed down the mission grapevine, so I don't know how much, if any, of that story is true. -Humble Master Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, I don't know if there is an answer to this. But...I've been in UT for almost 4 years now, but this is the first year I have ever had a problem with dry skin. My skin has always sort of stayed normal during the winter months. For this winter though, I've been slathering lotion on like crazy and still seem to be dry. Does this just come from adapting to my environment? The only other thing I could think of is that I went mostly vegetarian a year ago? But I am not sure that that would be related... - Bone dry
ADear Bone dry, If I had to guess, I would say that your dry skin has been brought on by the cold weather and exacerbated by your vegetarian diet. A vegetarian diet absolutely can cause you to have drier skin than those who consume meat products. The thing you are probably lacking is essential fats. These are highly unsaturated fatty acids that all come from the omega-3 fatty acid family. This website, discussing the lack of these fatty acids in vegans, says the following:
The magazine Vegetarian Times has these suggestions for preparing your skin for winter:
- Rating Pending (whose wife notes that the source for the "three tablespoons of fat" suggestion in Vegetarian Times is a gourmet cook. As opposed to, say, a dietitian or nutritionist. shrug) Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, I have a little crush on one of my lab partners. The problem is, we're always in a group of three or four during class, and I only get to see him once a week during the lab. How can I make this crush come to some kind of fruition? - Imitosis
ADear Imitosis, It sounds like the biggest part of your question is how to get him alone. My suggestion would be to try going to the lab early—if he's the next one in the group to arrive, you could have a couple of minutes. Otherwise, try leaving the same time he does and walking with him. You could also try paying him a bit more attention than normal during the lab, but try not to annoy your other partners. There's a good chance, given the limited time you'll have with him by yourself and how rarely you get to see him, that you're going to have to be direct. Flirting may or may not work by itself. If you're comfortable with it, invite him to an activity with friends, or go straight for the kill and ask him on a date. Good luck! —Laser Jock ADear Imitosis, Time things so that you leave class/lab at the same time. Talk on the way to wherever you're going. If both of you are free after class, ask if he'd like to work on homework together. I got a girlfriend out of the above advice. Granted, I didn't marry her, but it was good while it lasted. -Yellow Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, How do you you stay motivated? -Tired
AYou must be tired if you typed "you" twice, I hear ya. I'm so tired all the time. I've had about 12 hours of sleep in the last three nights, and I average around 5 hours a night during the week. Combining that with the fact that I often spend 16 hours on campus in a day, the desire to just go home and sleep for the next 3 days strikes quite often. Personally, I've found that keeping a broader perspective helps me a lot. I often get frustrated with chem homework, but then I think to myself, "Okay, you're taking this class because you're pre-med. You want to be able to provide for your future wife and family and not accidentally kill someone, so you had better know what you are talking about." Then it seems much easier to focus for a few more minutes and plow through. It's been working thus far! Just remember why it really is that you're doing what you're doing. Hope that helps. -Commander Keen ADear Sleepy, Please also see Board Question #53772. Good luck, Waldorf and Sauron ADear Tired, That's life, isn't it? Sometimes it's so hard to stay on track, especially as midterms are upon us and it feels like the stress will never relent. I like to try to take life a week at a time, or even a day at a time, and think positively. It's much harder to handle life in general when you try to tackle everything at once, and having a bad attitude about it makes things even worse! Set small, realistic goals for yourself, and try to make things enjoyable; yes, even that math homework can be a fun task, if you make it fun. It's also important to try to put in your best effort in everything you do. Doing so will help you be a better student and help you feel better about the things you accomplish. Now if you'll excuse me, I better go cheerfully study for my midterm! Marzipan Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, What are some of the hidden, little things in a home that can harbor smell. Granted, I am expecting, so my nose is very sensitive. We are in a basement apartment. We have tile floors in all rooms. Two children both in diapers (one only at night) and stuff (toys, clothes) all over the floor when they get into things. We do okay at staying on top of laundry. I have established that a couch that has been in the apartment for years is a contributor. But what else can harbor smell? Cushions, pillows, what? I take out the trash almost daily. We do have a garbage disposal that I try to run often. Sometimes cooking smells drift from upstairs. And there is a drain in our kitchen floor that leads to the main water outflow. I've put my nose close to it and the smell is nothing like the general smell of the apartment. Those are some of the highlights. Please. Any suggestions? Thanks. - Embarrassed that she can't track the source.
ADear Embarrassed that she can't track the source, Check again anything made of fabric, like curtains, cushions, pillows, and rugs (try sprinkling it with baking soda and then vacuuming). It might be coming from your fridge or under the fridge. Have you tried putting lemon juice or vinegar down your sinks yet? Some guys here think it might be mold growing in places like the ductwork of your furnace or a dead rodent in your walls, or even that your garbage disposal is depositing all its crud in a different place than it should be. If none of that turns out to be right, run a Google search like this one and maybe it will give you a good idea. - The Black Sheep Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sung If You Could Hie to Kolob at general conference during one of the sessions in the last 8 years or so. Can you tell me which session and where I can get an audio or video recording? It was beautifully done and very powerful. Thanks. P.S. it is not the April, 2008 version. It was the more standard version of the song although this one was also beautifully done. - Paul
ADear Paul, According to this Conference summary, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sung "If You Could Hie to Kolob" during the Saturday afternoon session of the 173rd (April 2003) General Conference. In theory, you should be able to watch or listen to that particular session here, as long as you choose to listen to/watch the entire session (top right option of each title bar). However, I couldn't seem to get any of the April 2003 General Conference files working on my computer, but every other session has downloaded just fine. I'm not sure if this is just my computer or not, but unfortunately because of this I'm not sure in between which talks the song was sung. I hope you have better luck than me and that this is the version for which you are indeed looking. -Sky Bones Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, It seems like every person that I've met this year has been out of the country, most of them recently. It got me thinking that I'm missing out on something. Do you have any ideas where I should go that's outside the US? - You Know
ADear You Know, I've said it before, but I'll say it again: the Canadian Rockies. Some of the best scenery, hiking, and skiing in the world in a relatively inexpensive, easy-to-get-to, conveniently English-speaking country. ~Ƥ. Ɗ. Kirĸe ADear Yuk yuk, I agree with Kirĸey-pants on this one. Last summer I took a drive up to Alaska and boy howdy, those Canadian Rockies are astounding! I wish I had more time to stop and take them in to their fullest! If you want to go overseas instead of merely to another country, Egypt is pretty cool. Everything there is super cheap and many, many people speak English. You will probably get sick (I did) and there are some cultural mores to get used to, but it is a worthwhile experience. Jordan is super nice and the people are much cooler than Egyptians (in my experience) but it is more expensive and far smaller so there isn't as much to see. Jordan was a Bedouin country until a hundred years ago, so aside from Petra and some Roman ruins it is just a lot of desert and some modern stuff. I love the Middle East and I highly recommend going there. Ustaaz Smeed ADear You Know, I think it mostly depends on what you are interested in. If you are into places oozing with history, I would suggest somewhere in Europe, Eastern Asia, or parts of South and Central America. Seriously, I went to Argentina once and I think South America is underrated. There is a lot of history down there, and if you go to Mexico you could even take "Book of Mormon tours," which will show you lots of totally hypothetical Book of Mormon sites. It is fun. If you are more into scenery, natural beauty, etc., then these are my suggestions in order of most beautiful to still pretty beautiful: Scotland, Italy, Germany, Canada, Mexico. Stay out of the big cities and you will find amazing scenery. Like the other writers said, Canada is a great country to visit, beautiful, "America's Top Hat" and all that. -Mico ADear You Know, Traveling is a lot of fun, but it can be very exhausting. If you want to go out of the country mostly for the excitement of it and just for the sake of having a stamp on your passport, then go to the Caribbean. Someday I'll go there myself. It looks so beautiful and relaxing. You should go there. Of course, if we're talking about visiting a country just because it is ridiculously awesome, then Japan is on the top of my list. That place is amazing. A bit expensive, but amazing. -Sky Bones Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, so... there's this song and I don't know the name of it or the artist's name, for that matter. It's a couple of girls singing and it's got a very weird vibe, a mix of almost scottish/irish/native american style. The lyrics go: honey, I've gone I've gone down to where the peach creek flows where the red moon rises in a smokey gray sky and I followed the raven down as he spiraled and he dove to the ground honey, I've gone to find how much space there is around us if I could put it in my hands and bring it to you but there's fire, wildfire, in Idaho and it burns my hands to the bone honey, I've gone to walk along the sea and I wrote your name into the sand just to watch those crashing waves take it away but I swallowed the ocean and you twisted and you tumbled around honey, I've gone to find how much space there is inside me and if I even have room for you but there's fire, wildfire, inside of you and it burns my core 'til is shows yeah, there's fire inside of you and it burns my core 'til it shows any help would be appreciated! thank you! - lyrically challenged
ADear Challenged, Googling for lyrics - quick and effective. Searching for "'peach creek flows' lyrics" yields one hit: "Wild Fire" by the Shook Twins. Love, Waldorf and Sauron Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, Coldplay's song, "Viva la Vida"--what's it about, exactly? I can catch numerous biblical references, but I'm a little lost when trying to decipher it. -Lot, John, Peter... and is that a touch of Judas?
ADear Lot, John, Peter... and is that a touch of Judas?, We've actually addressed this before. Please see Board Question #45442 and Board Question #47379 for Claudio's and Yellow's interpretations. As ever, remember that what takes us 100 hours can sometimes take you two minutes or less. - The Black Sheep Back to top QHave any of you guys (or probably girls, rather) ever been a nanny for a job, like in London, for instance? Or have you had any friends that have done it? I've been looking into it lately but I don't really know how to go about finding a good family, making sure I don't end up with creep-os, figuring out what time of year is best to land a job like that, getting a work visa, etc. Any pointers?
ADear Friend, I passed your question to my friend who spent a few months as an au pair in Spain. She is not LDS and she's quite a free spirit, so she was pretty easy going about some aspects that you might not be. This is what she said:
Best of luck, Waldorf and Sauron, with thanks to their friend ADear potential future nanny, I actually had a roomie take a nanny job this summer, and her sister has gone as well, and they both loved their experiences. My friend didn't go abroad (her sister did), and this was the advice that she had to offer:
Now, I know that doesn't specifically answer your questions on how to go about finding a good, safe family to nanny for, and the best time of year to search and that type of thing. I did come across a helpful website that answers several Nanny FAQs (isn't that quaint?) that might point you in the right direction. It gives pointers about finding a good agency, expectations families usually have for the nannies they hire, interviewing tips, how income and taxes work, and even has a place where you can search for nanny jobs if you like (the au pair research page can be found here). The most important thing to remember is to be very thorough as you research potential jobs and stay safe. Be sure that whatever agency you decide on is a reputable one and that your safety will be taken care of 100%. If you have questions or things seem amiss, don't be afraid to ask someone you trust for help or advice, like a parent or a wise friend. With that, I wish you luck! Being a nanny sounds like an incredible experience! Marzipan Back to top QDear 100 Hour Board, I received an E grade for a general ed class. I was thinking of, instead of retaking the class, taking a different general ed class that counts for the same requirement. But, I've heard that it's somehow better for your GPA if you retake a failed class--is that true? Would the better choice (and we're strictly speaking about benefiting my GPA) indeed be to retake the failed class? Ththththank you. Josephine Rackstraw
ADear Josephine, Yes, it's better for your GPA to retake the class. As long as it doesn't have an "R" at the end of the course number, the old grade will be replaced by your new grade. The old one will still show up on your transcript (along with a note that you retook it), but will not be figured into your GPA. Note, however, that a class retaken within the same academic school year will not count toward the minimum credit requirement for a scholarship (as far as I know); so if you're on scholarship or otherwise have a minimum number of credits you must maintain, contact someone like the financial aid office or your advisement center to see what effect retaking the class might have. You might also be interested in Board Question #53957. —Laser Jock Back to top QBeloved Board, So I am a girl that likes both sides of the coin. In my dating relationships, I want to be admired chiefly for my spiritual qualities, my firm convictions, my intellect, and sense of humor. I strive to be Christlike and encourage Christlike qualities in others. But also I like to be admired for how I look--not ogled or objectified, but when I get all dressed up for a date, I would love to be told, "Dang, you look GOOD!" And I would like to someday marry a guy who was totally attracted to me. Recently, the guy I am dating told me that it made him uncomfortable when I wore low-cut shirts. To which I responded that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable and that I would never do it again. But the thing is, I've been wracking my brain ever since he said that, and over the past three months, I can only remember two occasions (okay, maybe three) when I wore something that could be classified as "low-cut." But I didn't think that what I wore was inappropriate or overly immodest (obviously I didn't or I wouldn't have worn it). So the guy I'm dating thinks I'm a skank, apparently, and it really hurts my feelings. Or am I the one in the wrong here? If so, I am willing to admit it and change the way I dress...but also, shouldn't he be attracted to me and maybe secretly LIKE it a little bit when I look hot? Okay, I know, the natural man is an enemy to God...but what do you guys and girls think? Thanks, Confused P.S. Sorry this question is so long.
ADear Confused, Have you asked him specifically which shirt(s) he was talking about? It's been discussed in depth in the past, but different people have differing opinions on what is low-cut and/or immodest. So, I think you should just ask him which shirts he meant. Secondly, maybe the shirts you wear aren't inherently low-cut, but if you bend over or something, they could show more than you thought. Even some shirts that are higher cut can be dangerous if you bend over, so it might be good to check your shirts, and maybe have a roommate help you spot when you might be unconsciously immodest. I doubt this guy thinks you're a skank, I think he's just trying to be good--which is a good thing! I have to admire the guy for speaking up and letting you know that it made him uncomfortable. He just needed to be more specific. Yes, it's perfectly normal to want someone to be attracted to you both spiritually and physically. But do you really want him to be thinking about your chest all the time? You can look hot without showing cleavage. The fact that he said anything about it says to me that yes he is attracted to you, and he does like it when you look hot, but he wants to think of you on a higher level. So help the guy out, and try not to get your feelings hurt, because it wasn't a personal judgment on you. -Miss Scarlett, in the Conservatory ADear Confused, I would suggest not saying that you "like both sides of the coin" when discussing your dating relationships. It might lead to much more uncomfortable situations than a low-cut shirt could. - Furious George ADear Confused, I agree with Miss Scarlett. Different people draw the line in different places, and possibly he just happens to draw it higher than most. Her observation about leaning over is also a good possibility. I can understand why you'd be hurt—after all, you're clearly doing your best to live a high standard, and thought you were doing great, and then he apparently doesn't think you're all the way there! Like Miss Scarlett also pointed out, though, he doesn't think you're a skank; if he did, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who'd keep dating you. I completely agree with you on the issue of physical and spiritual/mental/emotional attraction; I think everyone wants to be appreciated for how they look, as well as for their other qualities. And he'd be a very odd guy indeed if he didn't like it when you looked your best. Immodesty, though, is a turn-off; it's different from being "hot." (Note that I'm not saying you were being immodest, just that if he thought you were, he would be less attracted to you.) Really, the solution is to talk to him and get more details. Without knowing which shirts or what situations, you don't have a whole lot to go on. Discuss this with him, and let him know how you feel; explain that you really do try to be modest and thought you were doing great. I'm sure you two can figure out a solution with a little more communication. —Laser Jock ADear Confused, You say, "Shouldn't he be attracted to me and maybe secretly LIKE it a little bit when I look hot?" I just wanted to add that he probably likes it a lot when you "look hot," and he's probably very attracted to you when he sees a little unintended skin. That's what makes him uncomfortable. He has a sex drive, and he's trying to keep it in check. You've got a good man, and you're a good lady. Just talk about it. Three cheers for hormones, Waldorf and Sauron |
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