Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Posts for September 11, 2009

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

I thought I remember hearing over the pulpit a year ago an official announcement that the temple marriage policy had changed - that a husband and wife can have a civil marriage first and don't have to wait a year to be married in the temple - they can get married in the temple, say, a few days after the civil marriage. I distinctly remember discussing it with my husband afterwards and thinking it was really neat that the policy had changed, so that more part-member couples could include their nonmember families in civil vows (this has always been a sore spot between my convert mother-in-law and her father, who has always been bitter that he didn't get to walk her down the aisle).

I mentioned this to my mom recently, and she as a temple worker had never heard of a change in policy! She said she was quite sure in fact that the policy had not changed. Yet, I am sure that I heard the policy change from the pulpit in Sacrament meeting.

Tell me, who is right? Has official church policy changed in this matter?

- Aardvark

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ADear Aardvark,

There was a change, but you're misrembering it a bit. Normally the rule is that if you get married civilly first, you have to wait a year before you can be sealed in the temple. However, there are some exceptions:

In some countries a temple sealing isn't recognized as a legally valid wedding; thus, to be legally wed, you have to be married civilly.
There are still many countries that don't have a temple, and some countries don't recognize a marriage outside the country.
If one or both members of the couple hadn't been members for a year yet at the time of the wedding (and thus couldn't receive their endowments yet), they may be sealed at any point after both have been members for a year.

There used to be a fourth exception, stating that if a couple would have to travel unchaperoned to a temple and because of the distance make at least one overnight stop, it was acceptable to get married civilly first. This is the exception that was eliminated in a letter from Church headquarters in 2008—that is, this is no longer a valid reason to get married civilly first without waiting at least one year to be sealed.

—Laser Jock, with thanks to a helpful stake presidency member

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

What are your thoughts on intelligent design? Is it science? Should it be taught in schools? Is it a valid argument for God?

-John

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ADear John,

Your 'nym made me laugh. Thanks.

My answer to all of those last three questions is an emphatic no. I don't think it should be taught in schools because it is not scientific, and I don't think that you really can have a valid scientific argument for God (not one that really counts anyway). I think that religion and science can be intellectually compatible, but I have a hard time with the thought of a valid scientific argument for God, since it isn't science that proves God anyway. So, let's see, that's two of those questions down which means I just have to talk about why I think that intelligent design is not science. Here goes.

First of all, the intent of the people behind the intelligent design movement irks me. Most of them are Christian theists who changed their game plan after it became clear that creationism would never be taught in US schools due to its religious nature. So they changed their strategy, took out the religious terminology (carefully avoiding anything describing the nature of the "designer"), threw in terms to make it sound more scientific, and called it science. The arguments are really pretty much the same even though the religious language is missing. They started with their final idea (that a designer created the universe and that scientific theory is therefore incorrect or lacking) and have tried to patch together a theory to fit that assumption, rather than starting with the evidence and creating a theory that fit the evidence. That's backwards, and it's not science.

Scientific theories are expected to be empirically testable, falsifiable, parsimonious, correctable and dynamic, consistent, and able to be used predictably. Intelligent design is not any of these. I'm going to talk about some of them one at a time.

I.D. is not empirically testable - This isn't exactly a surprise, to say that you can't empirically test the existence of an intelligent designer. Intelligent design theorists use concepts like irreducible complexity and the fine-tuned universe to describe how life is so improbable and the odds of it occurring on its own are so low that there must have been some sort of designer who put it all together. You've probably heard ideas like these being illustrated by someone walking through a forest and seeing a rock but not thinking anything of it because they assume that it naturally came to be there, but when they see a clock on a rock they do not assume that it came to be there naturally. They assume a watchmaker left it behind. However, intelligent design theorists don't operationally define how complex anything would have to be before it is too complex to occur on its own. They simply state that all life falls above this threshold. They also assume that life had to be this way, and so the odds of it turning out this way on its own are supposedly very small. However, the one time you flip heads one million times in a row is just one more possibility, and any other combination is just as likely, assuming that any other possibility is indeed a possibility. Because intelligent design cannot be empirically tested, it first requires a leap of faith rather than being inherently logical.

I.D. is non-falsifiable - I'm going back to the complexity argument intelligent design theorists make (though they make it in many different ways with many different emphases) for one example of a non-falsifiable argument. They state that complex things, like living organisms, are too complex to have developed on their own. However, the intelligent designer also designed non-complex things, like dirt. So things with high and low complexity are evidence of a designer, so nothing is not evidence of God's creation. Also, they state that the universe now functions because of how the designer designed it to work. No matter how humans described the universe working in the past or how we will describe it working in the future, it is always because the designer designed it that way. You cannot prove this argument wrong, even though its applications of the past are no longer accepted, and current ones will probably not be accepted in the future.

I.D. is not parsimonious - This basically means that intelligent design is not the most valid because of Occam's Razor. First of all, intelligent design isn't equal to other scientific theories because of all its other shortcomings, so according to Occam's Razor it shouldn't be compared to other theories anyway. But because of all of the untested assumptions it has (like the existence of a designer), it would lose anyway.

I.D. cannot be used predictably - Intelligent design theorists cannot use intelligent design to describe what may happen in the future. They can only use it to describe what has happened in the past. They can only see what the designer has done to make the world as it is, but because they do not make any assumptions about the designer (they can't, because they all really believe that it's the Judeo-Christian God, and that's religion), they cannot know what will happen in the future.

It seems to me that intelligent design theorists look to fill the gaps in natural science with evidence for God, but using a default theory when other ones don't fit just isn't science. It irks me that theists figured out that creationism couldn't be taught in schools so they are trying this instead. It just doesn't work scientifically, and so, no, I don't want it anywhere near the schools.

(Besides my own prior knowledge and cobbling together many sources on the internet, I used a lot of summaries from this YouTube video created by Al Sweigart. I watched some of his movies, and while I definitely don't agree with 100% of what he says, I like that he presents intelligent arguments for the other side. Be ye warned: it might tick you off, should you watch it. I just felt funny not citing it.)

- The Black Sheep

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

For those of you who have parents who are still married after all these years, how do your parents feel about each other? What do they say about their relationship? What keeps it going? What do they like about each other? How has their relationship changed over the years? What was it like on their wedding day, and what is it like now?

And if anyone here has divorced parents (who don't mind talking about it), what do they say about that relationship? What kinds of things led to the breakdown of the relationship? What made them decide to end it?

-Fascinated by long-term relationships

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ADear fascinated,

My parents have been married for over 25 years now, so I took this chance to ask them your question. I was really interested in hearing some of the answers myself; although it's pretty obvious how they feel about each other, I didn't know how things had changed over the years, for instance. Here's what my mom said (speaking to me, obviously, and quoted with her permission):

How do your parents feel about each other? Umm, we love each other. Sometimes I think about what it would be like if your dad wasn't here, and I really can't imagine it.
What do they say about their relationship? It's fairly good. We have our ups and downs, like everyone, but we are committed to each other and that's that!
What keeps it going? Commitment, like I said, and also we try to spend time together. We have similar goals, are both totally dedicated to trying to live the gospel, plus we like each other!
What do they like about each other? Your dad is very loving, dependable, strong in his commitment to the gospel, a great dad, smart, hard working, and he doesn't snore too much!
How has their relationship changed over the years? That's a tough one, since it has been pretty gradual. I guess mostly it seems now like he has always been with me, where at first it was strange to always have another person around.
What was it like on their wedding day, and what is it like now? Our wedding day seemed unreal, for one thing, and even though I knew I had had a very strong witness that I should marry him, I was still a bit scared of what it would mean and how we would do it. I did not have any good examples in my own family of strong, long-lasting marriages, but I was determined to have one. I really didn't know how, though. I was very excited to be married. I felt very mature and grown up, even though now I know I wasn't!! We got married on faith. Faith that it would work because Heavenly Father told us it would and the prophet had told us it would (not personally!). We had very little money, were both in school, and you know I got pregnant three weeks after we were married. We didn't really worry about things like that, though, we figured if we were doing what Heavenly Father wanted us to do, it would work out. And it has. It's too bad more young couples these days don't have more faith in marriage! Too many want to wait until they are financially better off or out of school, and don't have enough faith in themselves and their readiness for marriage. That is one thing that hasn't changed for me--when things are tough I know that it will work out somehow!

As far as how the way I feel about your dad may be different now than it was on our wedding day, I think it has deepened and matured. Then it was all excitement and lovey-dovey, now it is steady and dependable, with a little lovey-dovey thrown in sometimes.

And here's what my dad had to say (again, quoted with his permission):

It helps to be married to such a wonderful person as your mom. On our wedding day, I was so excited to be with her and loved the chance to share our lives with each other. Several things helped that love grow. I found that the more I did to make her happy (often just little things) the more I loved her. I’m sure the little love notes and date invitations that I made for her drove her crazy, but they helped me love her more. Our weekly date each Friday night over the past twenty five years has been a help. Attending the temple together frequently has helped me feel closer to her. Being married in the temple and having the Lord’s help is the best way to start. I have found it essential to turn to the Lord for help daily in knowing how to resolve problems that arise. On so many occasions, the Lord has helped me change my attitudes and have the strength to do what I needed to be a better husband.

As the years have passed, a big help to strengthen our marriage has been to have a family. Having a common goal, namely raising our children in the way we felt the Lord desired, has unified us in a common purpose. I know that daily scripture study as a family (just the two of us at first), family prayers, and weekly family home evening has brought a spirit of love in our home that would not be possible otherwise.

I’m not sure how our relationship has changed over the years, I just know that I love your mom.

—Laser Jock, who loves his parents' relationship

ADear Fascinated,

I'll take the other end of the spectrum. My parents have been divorced for quite awhile, and, being the oldest child, I became my mom's "best friend" of sorts after the divorce. It's interesting to me to compare what each of my parents (not including my step-dad, of course) say about the divorce, versus how I remember it.

My mom basically says that the relationship was a big mistake, that she didn't know how to speak her mind, and that the only good thing to come out of it was her children. She stuck around for years longer than necessary, simply because she was afraid to face the unknown (I'm certainly not discounting that fear--I hope to never be in that situation). I basically believe her. My experiences as their daughter lead me to the same conclusions.

My dad, on the other hand, says something different. Granted, I was with my mom through one of the most vulnerable times of her life, and she probably was more honest with me than most parents would be with their young children. I only recently spoke with my dad about this. He told me the usual fluffy crap that people put on divorce papers: irreconcilable differences. When I asked him what that meant, he told me that he and my mom had loved each other, but it just wasn't meant to be. Whatever. "Not meant to be" is when the prince is climbing a tower to his true love and falls into the mouth of a dragon. "Not meant to be" implies that neither party had control over what happened in the relationship. Right.

Basically, what led to my parents' divorce was a lack of trust. It is far more complicated than that, of course, but I think that gets the main point across. One parent consistently lied to the other about money, time, etc., and it finally got to be too much. "They" never decided to end it. My mom rented a moving truck and we left. She sent my dad the divorce papers when we arrived at our new home, 700 miles away. Lest any readers think that this could qualify as kidnapping, let me specify: my dad was there when we left, and knew that we would not be returning until they figured out visitation. He just didn't take part in a nice little "let's get divorced" chat.

Now it's time for a tangent. Divorce is something that is very interesting to think about. Am I sad that my parents got divorced? Not really. I know that it was for the best, and I can see how happy my mom is with her life now. I also got a little brother out of the deal, and I am incredibly attached to him. Have I ever wished that my parents were still together? Not in the usual sense. Even though I was only six when we left, I have never once hoped for a reconciliation. I knew that they were both better off apart. I have, however, sometimes wished that I had parents that had been together since before I was born. Even now, I feel a pang of jealousy when I see my friends with their families intact. I feel like I've gained invaluable personality traits from my parents' divorce, but I still sometimes feel like it would be nice to go home and see a row of family portraits on the wall, sometimes the same, sometimes growing, but never shrinking. Sometimes I still allow myself to think about that childish dream that will never come true, the one where my dad walks up to the door and walks in, and everything goes back to normal. I very rarely allow that particular dream to crop up, however. Only when an extreme bout of jealousy hits me because I'm with a friend at a family gathering, for instance. I'm happy with the way my life turned out, and happy that my mom's happy.

I don't know your circumstances, but, if your parents are still married, I hope that you never take it for granted. I don't dwell on my parents' divorce, in fact, it is such a deeply ingrained part of me that I only think about it when someone asks me specifically. However, when I do think about it, I think about how nice it is when people have two parents who live together and love each other. It is such a beautiful thing, and, although I realize that sometimes divorce is necessary, I wish that it did not happen nearly as often as it does.

Reflective, but not bitter,

⋯Anomalous

ADear Fascinated by long-term relationships,

My parents divorced several years ago, and I have no problem saying that it was completely my father's fault. I won't go into details, but he was selfish, manipulative, and abusive (not necessarily physically). No one should have to live in constant fear and worrying like my mother had to for so long. I'm sure most people would say, "Well why did she marry him and have children in the first place?" Obviously because he was the sweetest, kindest person to my mother before they were married and for a while afterwards, but time has a way of exposing the true face of people. She ended it as soon as she felt capable of doing so.

It may sound like I am a bit bitter, but I'm really not. I absolutely love my mother and my siblings and wouldn't have it any other way. My experiences have definitely made me more cautious when it comes to friendships and relationships, and I tend to not fully trust people right away as a result. It has to work up to that point.

I am very pleased to say, however, that my mother got re-married this past year. I have never seen her so happy before in my life. She finally has someone who loves and cherishes her, and that is priceless. It's also nice that her husband's children are also all grown up and on the rare occasion that I do see them we get along great, because having step-siblings now at this point in my life just sounds weird.

-Sky Bones

ADear Fascinated by long-term relationships,

My parents will have been married for 33 years this December. They were in the same stake as teenagers, and his dad (the stake president) and her dad (one of the bishops) sort of heavily hinted that they should meet for years until, at the age of 15, my dad saw my mom singing at a stake music festival and got someone to steal her keys so he could return them (yeah, my dad's that smooth). From then on, my dad accompanied her all the time, and they dated from then until my dad left on his mission, more or less (my mom says they broke up a lot, but my dad says they just had a lot of fights). As long as I've known them, that's pretty much the way their relationship has worked: they have lots of little tiffs, but they always work them out somehow. One of my parents doesn't really do that whole talk about your feelings thing at all, the other is a world champ at sustaining tension over long periods with tried and true methods like the silent treatment, and they are both passionate and stubborn. The parent who is silent about werf's feelings doesn't say anything negative about the other parent (that would require talking about feelings!), while the other has said on many a high-emotion occasion that, "You guys really should marry someone who you can talk to!" The point: seamless communication is not always my parents' strong point.

Before you write off my parent's marriage, the good stuff is coming up. Right now, in fact.

I think that my parents' relationship has worked for so long because of commitment and mutual respect. My dad always says that the reason that us kids have thrived so well is because my mom is so dedicated to us, and my mom always lauds my dad for working so hard so that we can have such a stable living situation and so many opportunities. They both know that our family absolutely depends on both of them and that our successes are the result of both of their contributions, and they are not stingy about saying so. They also communicate well about their kids, and I've known them to compromise often where we are concerned. And while I've never, ever thought of them being the stereotypical kind of "in love," we know that they love each other.

Despite the lack of a fairytale relationship, my parents have stuck it out over almost four decades, six kids, and (so far) six grandkids, and I'm proud to be their daughter.

- The Black Sheep

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

I'm hoping someone can help me, I need to go to the HFAC stockroom to get my bookbinding supplies before wedsnesday! I could not make it on thursday because I worked all night the previous night. Can anyone help me find out the HFAC stockroom hours???? Help!!
- Katie

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ADear Katie,

I'm sorry that we couldn't get you your answer before your deadline, but I hope you figured things out on your own. For your future reference, though, here are the hours of the stockroom during Fall semester 2009, which a nice automated voice gave to me when I called them at (801) 422-7993.

Monday: 8:00-9:45 AM, 12:00-6:00 PM
Tuesday: 12:00-4:00 PM
Wednesday: 8:00-9:45 AM, 12:00-2:45 PM, 6:00-8:00 PM
Thursday: 8:00-11:30 AM, 12:00-3:45 PM
Friday: 10:00 AM - 12:00 PM, 2:00-5:00 PM
Saturday: 1:00-3:00 PM

- The Black Sheep

ADear Katie,

For what it's worth, if you need an answer by Wednesday, it needs to be submitted before 11 PM Friday night. A question submitted mid-day Saturday won't reach 100 hours until well after Wednesday's posting time. As helpful as we like to be, we're still the 100 hour board.

Sorry.

-Yellow

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

I am flying into the greater Salt Lake area at the end of the month and staying for about two weeks, I was hoping you could recommend some of your favorite restaurants and things to do. (As a caveat I will assume that my hopes of some sort of annual jello sumo-wrestling competition are going to be dashed.)

Pod-Person

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ADear PodP,

Foodwise, I am a huge fan (metaphorically speaking, but if this addiction persists, this could become quite literal) of Hires Big H burgers. The special sauce and amazing, flour-dusted buns are unbeatable.

One great, unique-to-Salt-Lake thing to do is to attend a broadcasting of Music and the Spoken Word in the Tabernacle each Sunday morning. It starts at 9:30, and you need to be in your seat by 9:15. Check out this site for more details.

Also, at the risk of sounding odd and perhaps morbid, one of my favorite things to do is to visit the Salt Lake City cemetery up in the Avenues. The old graves and steep, hilly terrain give it quite a bit of character. If you're LDS, look for the really big headstones - chances are you will notice some very familiar names.

It may also be worth noting that retired-Board-writer Krishna was involved in a Jell-O-wrestling extravaganza recently, allbeit in Provo. You just have to be persistent and know where to look, friend.

~Hermia

ADear Pod-Person,

My favorite restaurants in downtown Salt Lake are Gourmandise (a European bakery that also serves dinner-type foods at 250 S 300 E), Kyoto Restaurant (a sushi restaurant at 1300 S 1200 E), Shogun Restaurant (another sushi restaurant at 321 S Main), and the Melting Pot (a fondue restaurant 340 S Main). The first three are very affordable. I also really enjoyed MacCool's Public House for Irish fare (I've only been to the one in South Jordan, but apparently there's one at 1400 Foothill Dr. in Salt Lake, too).

I'm completely in love with the Broadway Centre Theatre, a movie theatre that plays independent and foreign films. I just really like downtown Salt Lake in general - used bookstores, real coffee shops, art galleries and fun little shops. If I were you, I'd take some time to wander around and see what you can find.

- The Black Sheep

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

What do you do if someone won't forgive you, but you still want them in your life?

We both mutually hurt each other (to be honest though, I probably hurt her more though). Most of the hurt took place when I had some really dark things in my life to deal with. Before that we were really good friends. I've apologized and apologized (she hasn't apologized to me at all--which I'm fine with) and want to be friends, but she doesn't even want contact with me. I have really changed since the dark period and I would do anything to be friends with her again.

I don't know what to do from here. I've given her space and time, but we both graduate soon so we don't have much time. I've tried to apologize and explain. Everything. Help!

- I miss my friend

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ADear I miss my friend,

This isn't the answer that you want, but I think it's the right one anyway: you do your best to move on.

There's just nothing you can do if the other person doesn't want you in their life. If you've already tried giving her space to no avail, your constant attempts to become close to her again are doing the opposite of endearing you to her. All that is left to do is to let go and hope for the future to bring better things, and maybe it will. Or maybe it won't. Trying to force it, though, isn't going to bring your desired outcome. It will only make things worse.

I'm sorry you're faced with such a tough situation, and I wish you all the best.

- The Black Sheep

AI miss my friend-

The Black Sheep is right. There's nothing you can do if she doesn't want to renew your friendship, so the best you can do is move on and learn from the experience.

- Cuddlefish

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

Where can I sign up for a sign language word of the day? Either e-mail or RSS.

- (Failure to communicate)

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ADear Failure to Google,

Here. (Note: the site HandSpeak has an RSS feed, but that might subscribe you to follow the entire site, not just the Word of the Day feature.)

- Rating Pending (who thinks that might have been a little harsh. Sorry.)

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QDear 100 Hour Board,

Can you help me out with this site? http://www.eadshome.com/Psalm8... How should we respond to those scriptures? Thanks!

- Lucy

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ADear Lucy,

The best resource for responses to any Mormon criticism is FAIR, the Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research. You can see their response to this question here. I refer you to their excellent article.

Love,
Waldorf and Sauron

ADear Lucy,

I know this isn't quite what you were asking, but I personally think that responding to anti-Mormon material is usually a waste of time. There are valid times to fight back, but those are pretty rare. Usually I prefer to just walk away. I have better things to do than to argue with someone who isn't listening anyway, and I hate getting worked up.

Of course, if you need answers to satisfy your own personal questions, that's different. Along with Waldorf and Sauron's response, I'd add that asking your bishop or another knowledgeable friend or leader can be a great way of finding answers. Prayer and scripture study can't be underestimated either.

—Laser Jock