Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Posts for September 5, 2009

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

Okay here's the situation. A good friend of mine suffers from severe depression and has for awhile. She has had a lot of horrible things happen in her life and without going into detail about those, they include both sexual and emotional abuse. These things happened back in high school and it's been a few years. She started dating this guy who turned out to be physically abusive. (She did break up with him and filed a police report). So we were texting one night and I attempted to make her feel better and give her hope. Basically her response was I have no idea what she's going through and she doesn't want my pep talks and there were some other rude things said, one of which being, don't talk to me right now.
So now she's not speaking to me. I understand that she is upset and I can deal with her being angry at me. What concerns me is that fact that she has suffered from depression, has had suicidal thoughts/attempts in the past and I am concerned that she is having those again. She does have a therapist that she sees pretty regularly but to my knowledge she hasn't seen him since her boyfriend hit her. Having not spoken to her I don't know if she's talking to anyone, and I'm not sure what to do. Should I just keep letting her know I'm there to support her? Contact her family?

- Deeply Concerned Friend

Direct Link to Question

AConcerned-

I have suffered sexual and physical abuse, and discussing those things is one of the most painful things I have ever done. Your friend does not want to talk to you about those things unless she brings it up. It's fine to be a friend and let her know that you care about her, but let her set the pace and invite you in. You've stuck your nose where it is not appreciated and brought back memories that are dark, depressing, and painful. Your good-intentioned discussion probably made her depression worse, and her sense of self-loathing and dirtiness more profound. Unless you've experienced it, there is no way that you could possibly understand the intricate web of emotion and pain that is the constant companion of a victim of abuse. Don't talk to her family about it until you've talked to her more. It could be seen as a breach of trust, and she might not ever forgive you. I know I wouldn't if someone discussed my past with my family; they have no idea what I've been through, and I have worked hard for most of my life to make sure it stays that way. Continue to love her, pray for her, try to serve her, and stay in touch with her, and apologize for offending her. Other than that, there's not much you can do, now that you've pushed too far. It may not help free her of depression or hopelessness, but it is what I would want if I were her.

- a writer

ADear Deeply Concerned Friend,

Whenever you fear for anyone's safety, you have to walk a very, very fine line. I've alerted a couple of people's parents since they turned 18 (though neither of them were recent victims of abuse and only one was particularly depressed at the time) and I've found a couple therapists' phone numbers on the internet, so I'm definitely not going to tell you that alerting others to the situation is never appropriate. It sometimes is. You'd just better be very, very sure it is.

In the case of someone you think could be suicidal, you'd better be very sure there is imminent risk of them harming themselves. Did she say she was going to kill herself, or discuss a definite plan she had for doing so? If the answers to both of those are no and you don't have a significant amount more information than you gave us, my recommendation would be to not say a word to anyone. (If the answer to one of those questions is yes, it is appropriate to call 911.) Because of your situation, I don't see you having a whole lot of leeway. You've already overstepped your boundaries, and you have no definite reason to suspect that she will hurt herself (depression and past suicide attempts are definitely not good enough, and any person who has both of those that I know would really, really resent you for it).

Believe me, I understand the terror of this kind of a situation. I understand how difficult it is to figure out what to do. It is not, however, your job to be involved in this, especially if she doesn't want you to be right now. Unless you have a very, very concrete reason to fear for her life, back off and let her lead you in this situation.

- The Black Sheep

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

I am wondering if the Native people mentioned in this article could possibly be Lamanites and Nephites?

http://www.salon.com/books/rev...

Direct Link to Question

ADear Wonders,

It seems likely to me that they were descendants of Lehi, but the dates mentioned in the article (1050 AD to 1200 AD) are long after the time period the Book of Mormon covers (and the collapse of civilization that occurred near the end). I'm not sure it would be accurate to still call their descendants 600+ years later Nephites and Lamanites.

—Laser Jock

ADear nobody,

It's possible. It's also possible that they weren't. We don't know where in the Americas the Nephite and Lamanite peoples were, where the Lamanites spread after the destruction of the Nephites, or who else may have been in other parts of the land undocumented by the Book of Mormon.

So, it's possible, but that's about all one can say.

-Yellow

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

I have always considered my self a very relaxed and easy going person. When I first fell in love with my fiance that was something he was really drawn to. He liked that I was easy to be with and very mellow and in his words "no drama". But for the last couple of months I have gotten really sensitive. I cry all the time when he didn't mean to hurt my feelings at all. I don't know why I'm acting this way! I have never been so easily hurt and in my rational mind I know that I am making a big deal about very little issues. I really wish I could stop, but when I feel like crying there isn't anything I can do about it! Last night my brother said something to me and I started sobbing in front of my grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and I am so embarrassed! Have any of you found that falling in love and getting married made you so much more sensitive? Thanks! I hope I'm not going crazy!!

- Cry Baby!

Direct Link to Question

ADear crybaby,

I've heard from quite a few girls that starting birth control did some really weird things to their emotions. So if you're on birth control, you might consider that possibility.

I don't know how much of a problem this is causing for you, but if it starts seriously interfering with your life you should consider talking to a counselor. A professional would be able to help you figure out what's going on and what to do about it.

—Laser Jock

ADear Friend,

Totally know what you mean - wedding planning is stressful, you're probably just starting birth control, and as a student you probably don't get enough sleep. That's a good recipe for moodiness and inexplicable tears. The semester I was engaged was a rough one, and it took me a while to move past that phase. It will probably happen again when you're pregnant.

Good luck,
Waldorf (and Sauron)

ADear CB,

Just to offer a possible explanation that isn't hormonal in origin (although, y'know, hormones would be a good explanation), is it possible that before pairing off with your fiancé, you were able to relieve stress or blow off steam in a way that you can't or don't anymore? Spending most of my time with one person (which happened months before actually getting married) changed how I related to my roommates, how much time I spent with my friends, how much energy I had to go and do active things, etc. I don't know why your crying would come on all at once, but you may want to consider how much help some quality alone time, chat sessions with friends or roommates, or just exercising, can be.

- Rating Pending (who has learned to not assume that females' moods are always hormonal in nature. And especially to not vocalize that assumption.)

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

I was wondering if you know of any work-at-home jobs that are legit.

Thank you!

- Jobless

Direct Link to Question

ADear Jobless,

If you don't mind being very assertive (and are preferably female), selling Mary Kay products has helped out several acquaintances of mine. Of course, you do have to leave your home quite frequently on business, but you could at least be based at home.

This recommendation is also assuming that by "legit" you don't mean "sure-fire" - some people just don't have the necessary personality or interest. But if this is something that gets your attention, it might be worth looking into.

~Hermia

AJobless-

Heck, don't bother with a job. Find a (preferably sick) old person with lots of money who you could stand living with, and marry them! That's what all the cool people are doing.

I'm totally joking. Taking advantage of the elderly and well-off is in bad taste.

- Cuddlefish

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

What type of "special exceptions" does the employment office grant for students to work more than 20 hours a week? And how would you go about getting one of these exceptions?

B-rad

Direct Link to Question

ADear B-rad,

For a special exception, you need an approval form obtained at the Student Employment Office. This form will need to be signed (as I understand it) by both groups who will be employing you. That means both of your immediate employers (for example your professor who you do research for and also your grounds crew supervisor). It can also require departmental permission.

And can I just mention how difficult they are to obtain? I don't know how things have been in the past ("Oh, yeah! It's easy, just go talk to them!" is one thing I've heard from some BYU alumni) but my wife has had to get permission for the last semesters with great difficulty. She is a graduate student, getting paid to do research with a professor. But she also teaches a class that virtually no one else besides a full-time faculty member is qualified to teach.

After getting the go-ahead from both departments, she went to the Employment Office and just to obtain the application was directed to a woman who skeptically listened to her situation and then said, "Look, miss, there are dozens and dozens of students who are trying to find jobs. It's not fair for you to have two jobs." After explaining that her boss had asked her to teach a class because she was the only one qualified, the woman responded, "Well, then someone will become qualified." It took some serious cajoling just to get an application (which is approved or denied by a different body altogether). This semester's encounter with the same woman almost left my wife in tears, as this individual seemed to assume that my wife was trying to be sneaky about getting money from the university, when really she had to be persuaded by both bosses to work both jobs. (*end of story)

I'm not saying you shouldn't try, but if it was difficult to get permission before, the current hiring freeze and the excess of students trying to get any job at all will make the likelihood of getting permission very, very small.

Good luck at the Employment Office.

- Rating Pending (who is sure the Employment Office employee does deal with sneaky people all the time and is a lovely woman. But he does not apologize for being biased in favor of his wife.)

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

How would one OR what would one have to do to become excommunicated from the Jehovah's Witnesses

- Anonymous

Direct Link to Question

AA-

According to my formerly Jehovah's Witness coworker, excommunication happens when someone commits a grievous sin, such as adultery or murder, or if they habitually commit smaller sins and do not stop even after discussing it with the Elders. Evidently, they will talk to you about your problem before disciplining you in most cases, and if you fail to fix the problem, you become "marked," and they encourage everyone to stop associating with you.

- Cuddlefish

ADear Anonymous,

They call it "disfellowshipping." For more detail, see Wikipedia.

Here's an excerpt:

Quote:

Disfellowshipping is a severing of friendly relationships between all members of the Jehovah's Witnesses and the one disfellowshipped. Even family interaction is restricted to a minimum, such as presence at the reading of wills and providing essential elder care. The exception is if the disfellowshipped one is a minor and living at home. In such cases the parents are allowed to continue to attempt to convince the child of the value of the religion's ways and share in family activities. Jehovah's Witnesses believe that this form of discipline encourages the disfellowshipped individual to conform to Biblical standards and keeps the person from influencing other members of the congregation.

Love,
Waldorf and Sauron

Direct Link to Question

ADear Cuddlefish,

When two people begin dating, they often exhaust their date options. For some reason, one of the most convenient things to do when both people want to spend time together, but do not actually have time to spend, is to go to the bowling alley. Really though, bowling is not the most exciting thing to do, and when it comes to me and the boyfriend, we are not very good bowlers.

And yet! There was hope! One day the boyfriend brought a bag of Skittles and decided we would play a more interesting game - Skittle bowling. No, this is not bowling with Skittles. What you do is buy a bag of Skittles, and on your turn to bowl you have to pick a Skittle from the bag, without looking of course. The idea is that each colored Skittle is a different way to bowl. For example, a red Skittle might be bowling left-handed (or with your "wrong" hand), a green Skittle is bowling without looking, etc. The game is even better because, as pure luck would have it, sometimes a person can do really well.

Some of the ones we used were: bowling with your "wrong" hand, spinning around before you bowl, using the kid's ramp thing to bowl, having your back face the alley and bowling under your legs, closing your eyes when bowling, sitting down and pushing the bowling ball, and kicking the ball (but be careful with that one).

Now, you can also play M&M bowling, but I think there are less colors to choose from. The great thing about this game is that the people playing can choose any random act for the colors. The more outrageous the better, because the people in the lanes around you will also enjoy your game.

A word of warning, you may not want to play this game on a very first date, if only because you will look and act like a fool. Have fun!

-Mico, who never actually won Skittle bowling, but still finds it a tasty, rewarding game.

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

I'm a German Major with an emphasis in Linguistics or Literature. I haven't decided but I've taken the classes for both. I need 22.5 credit hours to graduate. What is a short, easy minor for a person who doesn't have a particular field of study.

- The only BYU student who needs credit.

Direct Link to Question

ADear Lacking Credit,

On the BYU website is a great page with a list of minors. I have chosen a few that seem like they would be good with your chosen Major, and have listed their credit hours here. Keep in mind that your minor should reflect something you are interested in, and something that can be useful in conjunction with your major.

TESOL K-12; 19 credit hours
German Teaching; 17-36 hours
Editing; 21 hours
Computer Science; 15 hours

These are mostly minors that can be useful. Some others you should consider, but for which the links didn't work, include Information Technology, Linguistics Computing, and Humanities Computing.

-Mico

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

Is there a place in Provo you could take Japanese classes not through BYU? I don't have time to take any of BYU's classes in my schedule but i really would like to take like a once a week night class and learn japanese. Thanks.

Direct Link to Question

ADear Reader Who Wants to Learn Japanese,

I was not able to find a night class specifically, however I did come up with a couple viable options for you. One thing you could do is take an independent study course, for example through BYU IS. I know, I know, that is actually for high school students, but anyone can sign up for a class. It is convenient, and a great starting place.

Another thing you could do is go into the basement on the eastern face of the JFSB. Go towards the right end of the hall and there is a board with people's phone numbers. You can find someone who wants to teach Japanese, or you yourself can put up a paper that says, "Help me!!" This is much more casual, and you will have to be very self-motivated.

Finally, if you want to improve your speaking a lot, I would recommend getting a Study Buddy at the English Language Center. That way werf can help you with your speaking, and you can help werf with English.

-Mico

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

What is the huge construction project going on by the Marriott Center? And where on earth are students with Y lot permits supposed to park now that a big chunk of the main Y lot has been destroyed?

- Trying not to rant

Direct Link to Question

ADear trying,

We've already addressed a similar question, but since that post it looks like the tunnel expansion project has largely finished up, so the main thing being built is now the new BYU Broadcasting building.

The map of campus parking is available here - check "Parking" to the top right of the map view to see the locations of the other available Y lots.

~Ƥ. Ɗ. Kirĸe

Direct Link to Question

ADear Mary-

Perhaps another Craig would help you?

-Foreman

ADear Scary Mary,

...who?

There's a thread in the writer forum trying to figure out who you're talking about. The best I can figure is Craig from Big Brother 2005 (because of your alias). I've never seen the show.

So as a general answer to your question, you could try some Ricky Gervais flicks to get your dry wit fix.

If you want something more specific, feel free to write back and tell us who you're talking about.

Good luck,
Waldorf and Sauron

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

Did she use me?

I dated my best friend for two years before she went on a mission. We broke up, but we both felt it was possible to get back together again. I wrote for a little while, but she never wrote back. I knew she just wanted to focus on the Work. So I stopped writing. I moved on with my life, left BYU, and started a career in a big city.

She recently returned to BYU for summer term, and we communicated openly across the distance. She called me, I called her, and we shared our lives with each other. I visited her during the week of Independence Day, and we got along perfectly. We cuddled under the fireworks. She gave me goodbye presents when I left. I felt loved.

After summer term ended, she bought a plane ticket to come and visit me. It was wonderful to be with her. But then she essentially dashed all hopes for a relationship. She had flown out to say that even though she loved me, there were no more sparks. She wasn't completely enamored like she used to be. Oh, and she said she wasn't ready for marriage.

"Fine," I thought to myself. "I get it. She wants to meet new people, etc. We'll just move on with our lives. We did it before, we can do it again."

And then she said that being just friends would be impossible because of the intense feelings we have for each other. That really hurt, but it's true. It'd be hard to move on if we continued chatting, texting, and e-mailing. Being "just friends" wouldn't be easy.

But here's the thing I don't understand:

Before she left to go back for fall semester, she held my hand. Cuddled with me. And kissed me like never before. I felt sparks. I could tell she enjoyed it. She isn't a promiscuous girl. She's very sweet and tenderhearted, and kisses are special to her. She said that she felt safe and comfortable with me, that I'm special to her. She doesn't just kiss anybody. And I can honestly say I felt closer to her more than ever.

She left the next day, and I haven't heard from her since.

If she didn't feel sparks, and if she didn't want to date me, why did she show so much physical affection?

- BFF-less

Direct Link to Question

ABFF-less-

I don't think she was trying to use you. In fact, it sounds like the very opposite of using you. I think she was seeing if she could feel those sparks, and when she couldn't, she decided not to lead you on any further in hopes that they would appear. It's sad, and I'm sorry it had to be that way, but at least she didn't let you believe there was the possibility of marriage when she knew it couldn't happen.

- Cuddlefish

Back to top
QDear 100 Hour Board,

What quote would you put on your personal business card? Well maybe not 'business' card since I'm thinking of something that would be for personal use and not professional use, per se. Maybe you keep cards on hand for contact information, or you use them for potential professional contacts but don't have a job title. What words would you use to make you stand out?

~ Rincewynd

Direct Link to Question

ARincewynd-

"Cuddlefish, Certified Genius".

My certificate's being framed.

- Cuddlefish

ADear Rincewynd (I had to look twice to get that right),

Walt Disney once said, "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." I would plaster that beautiful quote all over any sort of card. I feel like it describes me quite well... as the sort of person who goes after big things but knows how to have fun while doing so.

M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E...

Now it's stuck in your head,

⋯Anomalous

ADear Rincewynd,

From Charles V: "I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men and German to my horse."

And only because I just came across that quote today and thought it was awesome.

-Sky Bones