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Question #89967 posted on 06/25/2017 1:08 a.m.

Dear Frere Rubik,

Will you tell me the joke about liking long walks along the Provo Beach Resort?

-A fan


Dear Fan,

In the time before time in days of yore (by which I mean late 2015), my bio page looked like this and read like this:

Frère Rubik is a tall, fairly nerdy writer from Utah who should really ask more girls out on dates. He enjoys reading, writing, candle-lit meals and long walks along the Provo Beach Resort. When not working on the Board, he is probably randomly surfing the web, playing Super Smash Bros. with his roommates, or otherwise avoiding his Physics homework. He is a fan of lame puns, self-deprecating humor, and semicolons, although he probably doesn't use any of them appropriately. He also finds it weird to keep referring to himself in the third person, but he can't stop now. 

As you can see, the "Provo Beach Resort" joke here is a riff on the traditional romantic ad line about liking "long walks along the beach" (documented here by the BBC and here by the XKCD). I think I came up with it after one day when I made my (Californian) friend Sonya quite annoyed when I insisted that the Provo Beach Resort was basically the same as an actual beach (for those of you unfamiliar with the PBR, these pictures should help you see that, while the PBR may be a swell place, it is definitely not a beach). The thought of taking a long, pensive, soul-searching walk around the Provo Beach Resort cracked me up, and I wanted to use it somehow. When no other opportunity presented itself, I wrote the joke into my Board bio.

Flash forward to earlier this year, and I decided I wanted to change up my Board bio. Part of me wanted to keep the line about the Provo Beach Resort, but another part of me just wanted to start over. Then, I had the idea to say that I was keeping the line about the PBR while actually deleting it from the bio. This also struck me as being hilarious, so I put it in the new bio. 

And now I've explained everything so thoroughly that neither joke seems as funny as it once did. Take it away, E.B. White:

Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.

-Frère Rubik

0 Corrections
Question #89966 posted on 06/25/2017 12:08 a.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Is it really necessary to cook some animals alive? I like the taste of lobster but I don't want it cooked alive and suffering.



Dear you,

Lobster have bacteria that can multiply extremely quickly after they die, so cooking them alive is necessary to prevent food poisoning.

If you put the lobster on ice for 15 minutes before placing it in boiling water, they only appear to suffer for about 20 seconds. All in all, I would say that a shellfish suffering for 20 seconds isn't any more morally objectionable than a more highly evolved animal, such as a cow, being killed prior to being cooked, since there is no way to kill an animal completely painlessly. I realize that this is a subjective judgment, however.


0 Corrections
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Posted on 06/24/2017 7:30 p.m. New Correction on: #89822 This might be another one for the È-Files... Maggots are falling from our Elm tree onto ...
Question #89822 posted on 06/24/2017 1:09 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

This might be another one for the È-Files...

Maggots are falling from our Elm tree onto our deck (and probably the lawn, too).
Note the head of a screw at the bottom right of the video for size reference.

We've checked, and there doesn't appear to be a dead body up in the branches, but it's a big tree and maybe we just can't see it.
Possibly related to my Board Question #84356.

My wife says that this happened last year about the same time, so it could be a seasonal thing - maybe a squirrel with allergies that turn it homicidal?

Why is death raining down from our tree?

-Dee Composed


Dear Deedle-Eedle-Dee,

Frère Rubik is sitting with his feet up on his desk at the F.R.I., half dozing as he gets mad gains in JP in Magikarp Jump. A small desk fan pivots back and forth slowly, ruffling the unkempt papers strewn around his office. This peaceful reprieve is rudely interrupted by the arrival of the Chief, who brusquely barges into the office and slams his hands down on the desk.

"FRÈRE!" he shouts, and Frère bolts backward in his chair, toppling over. On his way down, his foot kicks his computer mouse, waking his laptop up from hibernation and starting the Trololololo Song. Frère rights himself and hurriedly closes the tab, only to unmute another tab playing Smooth Jazz Nyan Cat. Vainly, he closes that tab, but in his haste he accidentally presses his secret keyboard shortcut which causes all of the computers in the surrounding area to play Epic Sax Gandalf. Frantically, he shuts his laptop, and the room is finally silent. Panting slightly, he looks up at the Chief.

"H-Hey there, Chief, what brings you 'round these parts?" he asks, trying to sound casual.

"We're shutting down the È-Files, Frère. Pack up your things!" shouts the Chief angrily.

Frère Rubik is aghast.

"But, Chief, you can't just shut me down! The È-Files are a valuable branch of this organization--"

"You've never even solved a case!" the Chief interrupts angrily.

"Well, that may be, but we've made some significant strides in explaining ghost spiders and random blood circles--"


Frère opens his mouth to protest, but as he does so a sticky note falls on top of his head, jarred loose from the wall by the commotion. He retrieves it and grimaces as he sees that it's the note relating to the Blood Circle case, dated 10/28/2015; it's been a year and a half. His shoulders sag glumly.

"That's what I thought," the Chief says, gruffly. "Gather all your stuff and head down the hall; you're being reassigned to the Folk Doctrine Division."

Frère winces as he hears the sound of wild banjos and Neal A. Maxwell quotations being shouted loudly from the neighboring offices.

"How does this even work, anyway?" he mutters to himself as he slides an empty box out from under his desk. "Is this entire organization just some weird manifestation of my subconscious or is it an independent entity unto itself--"

"Better if you don't think about it, kid," says the Chief, overhearing Frère and cutting him off, "this isn't the first time an introductory narrative has been more hole-y than a slice of Swiss cheese."

Suddenly, there is a loud "DING," indicating that a new question has come in. Frère pulls it up on his phone, not daring to open his computer again. As he reads it, his eyes light up in excitement.

"Chief! I've got a new case! The È-Files are here to stay!" he exclaims.

The Chief rolls his eyes.

"Whatever. Just forward it to general inquiries. I'm sure they can handle--"


The Chief looks suddenly ill. He holds a fist up to his mouth, then makes for the door.

"Alright, fine, do what you have to do," he says, exiting hastily. "And Frère?"


"Don't send me the report on this one."

With that, the Chief is gone, and Frère returns to Magikarp Jump with increased vigor and vitality.


Please pardon my silly introduction. I just feel like I haven't been silly in a while.

Now, getting to the case at hand, I think I actually have a solution for you this time, Dee. For those reading that didn't follow the link in the question, it leads to a video download, from which I have taken the following screenshot identifying the critter in question:

Screen Shot 2017-06-08 at 6.53.01 PM.png

As we can see, it is a very small (one might even say smol) worm-like thing, of a vaguely whitish/greyish/greenish/brownish coloration. When I saw the video for the first time, my gut reaction was that this was not actually a maggot. Due to an unfortunate mission experience involving dead raccoons and bleach, I've had the opportunity to see maggots up close, and this li'l guy seemed at least a wee bit different. See, maggots' bodies usually have bigger segments than this fella seems to have, and they also tend to be a more opaque white color (or even yellow), whereas the above crawly seems a tad translucent (in my experience, maggots also tend to be a bit bigger; I feel like they'd be longer than the diameter of that screw there). If you don't believe me, you may conduct a Google image search for "maggot" and compare the results, but I cannot recommend doing so because eeewwwwwwww.

So, if not a maggot, what is this little guy? I think the biggest clue lies in your question. You mentioned that these bug-o's are falling out of one of your trees, specifically an Elm tree. A bit of digging led me to this blog post, which seems to describe a similar phenomenon. The blog post reaches the conclusion that their creepy-crawlies are Elm Leaf Beetles in an early stage of development. Comparing their pictures to yours, the two look a bit similar, but not especially so. Another link I found suggested that they might be Spring and Fall Cankerworms.

Now, like the blog poster's friend said, I'm no Entomologist, and the closest thing we have to an Entomologist here on the Board is The Entomophagist, and he's more about eating bugs than identifying them, so I can't say for certain what your little friends might be. But, I feel reasonably certain that they are the early stage of some sort of beetle or insect and not maggots. If they're still dropping from the trees, you might consider catching one and trying to raise it to maturity to see what it might turn into.

Until next time,

-Frère Rubik

1 Correction
Friday, June 23, 2017
Question #89960 posted on 06/23/2017 11:26 p.m.

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I think I was a little too cute with my heaven or hell question the other day. I'm LDS, I live in Provo . . . I definitely believe in three degrees of glory! Thanks for your thoughtful answers though. Auto Surf and Kirito, mad snaps!

What I should have asked was, have you seen those billboards by the 1-800-FOR-TRUTH people around the Center Street I-15 exits? One asks about heaven or hell, the other states that evolution is false. I understand that these billboard preachers think that they might snag some waffly Mormons with the heaven or hell billboard, but . . . do they really think that telling Mormons that evolution is false is going to turn us all into born-again evangelicals? Latter-day Saints who don't believe in evolution will say, "Duh" and not think any more on it. Latter-day Saints who do believe in evolution will say, "I'm glad I belong to a church that doesn't condemn me for believing in the best available science!"

What are your thoughts about the effectiveness of such preaching? How can we avoid such heavy-handed tactics in our sincere efforts to share the Gospel?

-One-Winged Angle


Dear Angle of Music,

Generally, it seems like these billboards operate on shaming and scare tactics (which, as President Uchtdorf pointed out last conference, is contrary to a loving relationship with the divine). They might snare a couple of people here or there if they have anxiety about the afterlife. According to their website, the group putting them up gets around 10 million views nationally each day and about 290 calls. So a small percentage.

Their tactics may be a little... not as friendly, but overall this group seems like they're decent people. Again according to their website, they use the funds they earn to distribute food, clothing, and medicine to those in need and help victims of crisis abroad. Which isn't to say that I agree with the billboards at all, but that this particular group seems to have good intentions. They probably believe in what they're preaching and genuinely want to help people. Who they're targeting aren't Mormons specifically but anyone across the country who comes upon it.

How can we avoid such tactics? It might be good to reach out to other churches with compassion and not scare or shame them because of what they believe. Mormons may not believe in hell, but sometimes people do try getting others to go to church by guilting them into it. Maybe instead of that, it would be good to respect another person's beliefs and understand that their perspective is different, not immoral.

-Van Goff


Dear uno,

I really like Van Goff's answer. 

I'll just add that it was probably my fault we took it too seriously. It came in and I left a placeholder that said, "Hell is not a thing. Basically." And that started the discussion on an entirely different point than you probably meant it to. 

Take care,

-Auto Surf

0 Corrections
Question #89940 posted on 06/23/2017 11:26 p.m.

Dear lOO Hour Board,

As a missionary I listened to several old General Conference talks. One talk that caught my attention was by Boyd K Packer. He gave the parable of the cruise ship passenger (most recently shared by Dieter F Uchtdorf). Do you know where I could find a copy of this talk? Text/Audio?



Dear friend,

This I have searched for in the LDS archives but, alas, am coming up empty. The closest match is the Dieter F. Uchtdorf adaptation, which unfortunately doesn't mention the Boyd K. Packer talk. If any of the readers know where one might find it, corrections would be appreciated.

-Van Goff

0 Corrections