You walk into the dark theater, popcorn and drink in hand, looking for a good spot where you and your significant werf can enjoy the movie/disrupt others with your unruly NCMO's.
Or perhaps you drive into a drive-in theater in your family's suburban with a bunch of your friends, caring less about the movie than you do about getting some extremely delicious hamburgers.
As you settle down into your seat and apply some chapstick/stand in line at the grill and avoid eye contact with old family acquaintances, you see it:
Over a black screen, the following words appear:
He was the fastest driver in school.
Cut to clips of cars zooming around turns by the coast of California, cheering teenagers, and a shot of someone wearing sunglasses, as seen from their rear-view mirror.
But after spending two years on his feet,
Cut to a shot of the main character, Shawn, hacking through vines in the Amazon rain forest as a missionary.
Happy valley is going to this hotshot a new kind of drift
A Mazda 3 is shown zooming down the rock canyon road on a snowy winter day.
That will leave him...
Cut to the interior of the Mazda. Shawn is driving, accompanied by his Japanese friend, Lee.
Lee: Slow down, man, you're taking this turn way too fast!
Shawn: I know what I'm doing! I've still got it!
The Mazda skids across the road and plows into a snowbank on the opposite side. As steam rises from the hood, Lee shouts "I TOLD YOU!"
Next Election Day,
Squeeze's "Cool For Cats" begins to play as we see Shawn and Lee sitting at a table at The Wall.
Shawn: So what's this thing called again?
Lee: The Provo Underground Racing Circuit. It's a year-round racing competition around all of Utah county. And, someone from the Village Guys is always in the lead.
Shawn: You mean that weird disco band that came up with the Y.M.C.A.?
Lee: No, genius, that's The Village People. The Village Guys are a super-exclusive racing group that meet every Saturday under the Village.
As Lee says that, we see shots of bros wearing flat-billed hats and polo shirts, flexing their muscles, racing cars, and doing summer sales for security companies.
Lee: And again, they always win.
Shawn: Except for this year.
Lee: That's a nice sentiment, dreamboy. There's just three things:
He holds up a finger.
Lee: One, you can't drive worth a darn in the snow,
Cut to Shawn, blocking the exit to an apartment complex's parking lot, desperately trying to free his Mazda from the snow as a group of irate students look on.
Lee: Two, you've got no idea how to drive a stickshift,
Cut to Shawn, parked in a Station Wagon on a slight incline. He turns the key in the ignition, and the car's engine starts.
Shawn: Yes, yes, yes!
A second later, the engine cuts out, and the car starts rolling down the hill.
Shawn: No, no, no!
Back to Lee at The Wall.
Lee: And three, that Mazda of yours is going to get smoked off of the line. Every.
Cut to Shawn at the starting line of a race against two bros in Mustangs. The flag waves, and they zoom off, leaving him and his Mazda stuck at the line.
At the finish line of a different race, two chargers cross neck and neck, with Shawn's Mazda coming in a couple of car lengths behind.
The interior of Shawn's car. He pounds the steering wheel and hangs his head in frustration.
Cut back to Shawn, chewing pensively on some fries.
Shawn: Well, alright, sensei, if you're so wise, what do you suggest we do?
Lee sits back in his chair, slurping his Italian soda through a straw.
Lee: Well...I might know someone who can help.
Cut to Shawn and Lee walking into a garage, approaching someone who is working under a red Mini Cooper raised up on cinderblocks.
Lee: Hey, Mad Dog! How's it hanging? Listen, I know how things went the last time we met up...
Shawn: Yo, Mad Dog! My name's Shawn! How's it hanging bro..."
At this, the person rolls out from under the Mini on a skateboard, revealing a girl with blonde hair tied back in a ponytail, her face smudged with grease.
Shawn:...ooooo nope. Nope. You are not a bro.
The girl, Maddie, gives a disgusted sigh and then rolls back under the car.
Lee: Ooh, nice one. You just let that chauvinist side shine right on through.
The music changes to Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off," and we see Shawn, Lee, and Maddie at a table in the Snack Zone of the Library.
Shawn: So what exactly qualifies you to give me driving advice?
Maddie: I'm from Canada and I grew up helping my dad in his auto shop. If there's anything to know about snow or cars, I know it.
Shawn: Well, that's all well and good, but that still doesn't change the fact that you're a g---
Maddie winds back her arm, ready to slap Shawn.
Lee: Oh, you've done it now.
Maddie slaps Shawn across the cheek.
Maddie: That's for not having the guts to say it.
Maddie slaps his other cheek.
Maddie: And that's for saying it.
Lee laughs, Shawn rubs his cheeks sheepishly.
The shot cuts back to Maddie's garage, where her red Mini now sits finished on the floor.
Shawn: Alright, alright, you know your stuff. I'll give you that. But you honestly expect us to win in a Mini?
Maddie: You haven't seen this Mini in action yet.
Cut to an open road in the middle of the field, the Mini flying down it. Shawn yells in exhilaration; Maddie laughs.
Various shots of Shawn: Racing his Mazda back in California, leaning out the Mini and pumping his fist after winning a race, smiling and turning to Maddie.
Shots of Maddie wiping sweat off of her face in her mechanic uniform, acrobatically jumping over two bros' shoulders, leaning in to kiss Shawn.
and Werf-Werf Werfon
Scenes of Lee eating a slice of pizza, helping Maddie fix up the Mini, and cheering at the front of a crowd as Shawn races by in the Mini.
with Werfin Werfington
Shots of the main Bro drinking a protein shake, slamming Shawn against a shark tank in an aquarium, and angrily trying to ram Shawn and Maddie in the Mini off the road while driving a Dodge Challenger.
A head-on shot of the Mini and a Mustang charging toward the finish line.
The Blessed and the Furious: Provokyo Drift
Cut to Shawn sitting at a computer, then excitedly turning around.
Shawn: Hey guys, have you seen this? Sometimes the dress looks black and blue, other times it's white and gold!
Lee facepalms, Maddie rolls her eyes and walks away.
With Music By:
Crash Test Dummies
Awestruck, you are completely oblivious to your significant werf's attempts to hold your hand/the burger which you dropped into your lap and is now dripping sauce all over your good pants.
Then, the next trailer plays, for The Divergent Games: Breaking Dawn and the Half-Blood Maze Runner, and you quickly snap back into your awkward, sticky, non-Provokian reality.