There are two kinds of people; those we love and those we don't know.

While we appreciate factual corrections, consider posting on the Board Comment Board, brought to the readers by popular request.

Love is in the air: the Board Bachelorette is in full swing! The first, second, third, and fourth challenges have all been completed; their results can be found here, here, here, and here, respectively. The fifth and penultimate challenge has been issued, and submissions for it are due by 11:59 PM on Friday, July 22nd. Don't miss it!

Saturday, July 23, 2016
Question #87420 posted on 07/23/2016 7:32 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What can you do when you miss someone to take your mind off of things and think positively?

--ghee buttersnaps

A:

Dear GB,

I recommend you take a look at BQ #87148, which I answered a few weeks ago. It's a similar question to yours, so I think my advice is still applicable.

In my experience, the best thing you can do is try to shape your life in happy ways. That means doing everything in your power to make yourself happier than you were with the person you're missing. The happier you are in your current life, the less you'll long for the happiness of the past. 

I can't say how you should go about that, because I don't know you. But consciously take steps towards happiness, and eventually you'll look to the future instead of the past.

Love,

Luciana 


0 Corrections
Posted on 07/23/2016 7:26 p.m. New Correction on: #87341 My husband and I graduated from BYU in 2011 and moved to the Midwest for him ...
Question #87423 posted on 07/23/2016 6:32 p.m.
Q:

Dear Bachelorette Contestants,

Please share your submissions for Challenge #5 (Board Question #87364).

XOXO,
The Bachelorette

A:

Dear Writer,

 
Our date will probably be pretty chill. Have you ever tried pupusas? I had never tried them, but my friend is El Salvadorian and he convinced me to go eat pupusas with him, and let me tell you, they are really good. Are they as good as Mexican food? In my biased opinion, probably not. But still really good. 
 
Anyways, yeah, we'll probably eat pupusas (or Mexican food if you'd rather).
 
And to be perfectly honest, that's about as far as I've gotten. I could come up with something else right now, but what if I think of something later that's better? So for now, the rest will remain a surprise for both of us.
 
Oh the anticipation! 
 
Yours Truly,
 
The Gentleman in Black
A:

Ardilla Feroz, 

 
When I first read this challenge, I thought, "Ohhh, snap. I haven't let myself think about what we'd do!" My limited experience in asking guys out has been for a girls' choice dance or when I had concert tickets. But never fear! For if I can be bold and spend 6 weeks wooing a stranger on the internet, then I can plan a date. 
 
What we do will depend some on availability and location because, BQ 86335, (i.e. you are not in Provo) and also I, the Ineffable Tornado, will be returning from her summer location far from Utah to a place in Utah that is not Provo or near Provo in late August. But worry not! Hope is not lost. I will travel through time and space, er, Utah to go on a date with you if the planets align and fates decide.  
 
SO.
 
Having given consideration to location, cost, materials, and level of interaction involved, I have put together a list of possible activities that my inner child always enjoys and I think we'd have fun doing. Now I could just tell you exactly what our date will involve, but I'd rather pique your interest and surprise you when this hypothetical date actually comes to pass. My proposed plan may include one or more of the following (but likely not all, because marathon dates = thumbs down): 
  • Arcade games (because who doesn't like somewhat useless arcade prizes?)
  • Laser Tag (because, Laser Tag. It's just fun.)
  • Go Karts (the closest thing to real-life Mario Kart, minus bananas)
  • Bumper Boats (we get to splash people in hovercrafts)
  • Food of sorts (even though you enjoy scavenging food off the land, you won't turn down ice cream or a picnic right?)
  • Hogle Zoo (purely selfish reasons - I've never been and might as well cross it off my unwritten Utah bucket list)
Until next week,
-Ineffable Tornado 
 
P.S. I think this should go without saying but I'll say it anyway: I'll pay. 
A:


First of all, I wanted to make sure that our date won't turn out like any of these, despite the horrifyingly funny story potential. Hence I set some qualifications in my quest to come up with the perfect first date.

     1.) Something fun

     2.) Reasonable time frame

     3.) Relatively cheap

     4.) Allows for conversation, but doesn't require incessant talking to be interesting.

Taking these into consideration, I ultimately decided on a sort of Iron Chef competition. One of us will cook the main course, and one will cook the dessert. Each will have to use a specific ingredient dictated by the other. We will then eat the delicious (or at least hopefully palatable) and creative (this is a guarantee) results, and rank each other.

I will leave it up to you to decide which course you wish to cook, telling you which ingredient you would have to use for either option.

Option 1: Main Course. To think up a sufficiently creative ingredient for this, I ventured to an Asian market. There, I found a most astonishing range of foods, from fish balls, to real pork rinds, to quail eggs, to canned squid stored in its "natural ink." I selected this as the winner:

First Pic.png

In case you can’t read the label, it is “Gelatinous Mutant Coconut.” I’m pretty sure this is the most appetizing food descriptor I have ever come across.

Option 2: Dessert. I picked this ingredient from the same location as the dubious coconut. I present to you

Second Pic.jpg

…Purple yam jam. I don’t have words to express my amazement that this is a thing. 

Now just imagine all the delicious concoctions possible with these stellar ingredients.

Bon appetit!

~Girl with a Curl


0 Corrections
Question #87419 posted on 07/23/2016 11:30 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How do you live the law of sacrifice? What does that mean to you?

-That girl

A:

Dear girl,

The law of sacrifice is tricky because their seems to be so much overlap with the law of consecration. In fact, sacrifice and consecrate both have very similar meanings, etymologically. Both come from Latin terms meaning to make something holy or to dedicate something to God. I've heard people try to differentiate between them, with varied success. I don't like it when people say that sacrifice is giving up something in the hope of getting something in return, because that makes sacrifice sound inherently selfish or cunning, which it isn't. I actually wasn't entirely sure myself what the difference was until I read this talk by Elder M. Russell Ballard. It doesn't contain everything I'm about to say, but it did say enough for me to come up with some thoughts coherent enough to write.

As we learn in the Bible and the Pearl of Great Price, the law of sacrifice was first given to Adam and Eve after they were cast out of the garden of Eden. There were two major purposes for the law of sacrifice: 1) to teach Adam and Eve and their posterity about the sacrifice that Christ would make for them, and 2) to give them an opportunity to show the Lord what they were willing to do for Him. Just as God showed His perfect love for us by offering up His Only Begotten Son, "the law of sacrifice provides an opportunity for us to prove to the Lord that we love Him more than any other thing" (Ballard).

With the implementation of the Law of Moses, the application of the law of sacrifice changed, but the principle remained the same. By keeping the law of sacrifice, the House of Israel demonstrated to the Lord that they were willing to obey Him above all other desires or influences.

Elder Ballard describes two major changes to the law of sacrifice after the atonement was made. "First, the ordinance of the sacrament replaced the ordinance of sacrifice; and second, this change moved the focus of the sacrifice from a person’s animal to the person himself. In a sense, the sacrifice changed from the offering to the offerer." Without the ordinance of sacrifice, we are required to find other ways to show our devotion. While this sometimes means that it's harder to figure out what to do, it also means we can show even greater faith by living the law of sacrifice in every aspect of our lives. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: “Real, personal sacrifice never was placing an animal on the altar. Instead, it is a willingness to put the animal in us upon the altar and letting it be consumed!” (“‘Deny Yourselves of All Ungodliness,’” Ensign, May 1995, 68).

Now that I've gotten that background out of the way, I can talk about what I think the difference is between sacrifice and consecration. From what I can tell, sacrifice is — in the words of King Benjamin — "[putting] off the natural man," while consecration is "[becoming] a saint" (Mosiah 3:19). When we live the law of sacrifice, we give up our time, possessions, and desires to show God that we love Him with all our heart, might, mind, and strength. This leads to consecration, which is using our time, talents, and means to build the kingdom of God.

Now, to answer your first question, I'll finish by quoting Elder Ballard one last time: "When we overcome our own selfish desires and put God first in our lives and covenant to serve Him regardless of the cost, we are then living the law of sacrifice."

-The Entomophagist


0 Corrections
Question #87405 posted on 07/23/2016 9:35 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I read that China is the only country where you can pay for someone else to serve your prison sentence. True? I'm assuming this is not because authorities allow it, but they are tricked by rich outlaws that can find a poor doppelganger to do it? Like the look-a-like is trying to feed it's family somewayy, and is taken advantage of by the Richie rich. How often does this occur in China? Is there an under-the-table organization that hooks up the criminal with his look-a-like? How much are they paid? Why is it more frequent in the China than the other countries?

-Carmen San Diego

A:

Dear Carmen,

According to this article, it's a common enough practice to have a name (ding zui), but not all that common overall (because only the super rich and powerful can afford it). It's also not a particularly new practice either, as Western visitors to China described the practice way back in the early 19th century. 

As to why it's more common in China than in other places, I believe it's because of income inequality. As mentioned in the article I linked to, the top 0.1% own half the wealth in China, so they can afford to do crazy things like pay a guy $8000 to serve a sentence for them.

-The Entomophagist


0 Corrections
Posted on 07/23/2016 9:32 a.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Friday, July 22, 2016
Question #87418 posted on 07/22/2016 10:38 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

How far would you go to catch one?

-Be Safe

A:

Dear Doing My Best,

I wouldn't because I don't play, but I know people who would go as far as they need to. I may not play the game, but I'm not one of those people who will call you a nerd or anything if you do play it. I would caution those who do play it to make sure they use it moderately, because it can become addictive. It'll be interesting to see what happens when someone finally catches them all!

-Sunday Night Banter


0 Corrections
Question #87417 posted on 07/22/2016 9:20 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

Plane or train or bus or drive or bike or walk? Time and cost minor factors.

-Commotion in Motion

A:

Dear CIM,

I have a bunch of different answers. For long-distance trips, I prefer the comfort of driving but the timing of flying. I also have restless leg syndrome, so driving personally for more than an hour gets uncomfortable, thus my preference depends on whether I have another reliable driver with me.

However, I get the most general enjoyment out of walking, unless I'm in Santa Cruz, which is the only place I ever bike.

The train is the worst. Just don't go there. Or, if you must, lay out across two seats and pretend to be asleep anytime new passengers get on. That's my strategy.

Love,

Luciana

A:

Dear you,

Driving. I love driving. It's especially fun if you have a stick shift.

I suspect that my love of driving stems from my family's preference for road trips over flying. I didn't fly until I was 14, and after that trip I didn't fly until I was in college. I dislike flying, mainly because the process of getting on the plane is so stressful and I don't have the same level of control over my own trip.

I'm really lazy so biking and walking are out, unless it's less than 70 degrees outside.

Trains and buses combine the lack of personal space and control in planes with the drawback of taking a really long time to get anywhere.

-Zedability

A:

Dear you,

In most cases if price isn't a factor and I'm going longer distance I'll go for flying. The main exception being to do with what I'm bringing - for example, if I'm going to Montana to go skiing, I'll drive because it facilitates transporting ski gear.

In a city setting, if there is a metro, that's my preferred option. It tends to be faster and more reliable than buses in my experience, plus buses just always feel dirtier to me. I've only ridden a train a couple times, for both long and short distances and I kinda have neutral opinions about them.

~Dr. Occam

A:

Dear CIM,

Long distance? Get me there as fast as possible. Short distance? Give me as much control as possible. 

I get motion sickness, so that dominates most of my travel considerations. I don't like road trips because I get sick if I'm not driving, and I hate buses and trains for the same reason. By process of elimination, planes become a necessary evil for long distance travel. I survive with lots of meds. For short distances, I like walking. I'm not really a biker, but I do like cruising around on my longboard, so I'll substitute that. 

-TEN


0 Corrections
Question #87415 posted on 07/22/2016 8:50 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

You are so funny Sr. Ardilla Lindo!

What writers in addition to dearest April love them minions? How do you show that devotion?

-April's favorite minion

A:

Dear Terrible Person, 

Based on the fact that nobody has responded to this, I am going to (happily) assume that all of us here at The 100 Hour Board hate Minions.

I'm proud of you, fellow writers.  Keep on keepin' on.

-April Ludgate


0 Corrections
Question #87413 posted on 07/22/2016 8:39 p.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What site can I go to to find out if a book or audiobook is available for a library to own, or for Overdrive to own? For example, im a fan of Liane Moriarty. My library has some books of hers, like What Alice Forgot. But when I contact them asking them to get the audiobook they say they dont have permission for that format. This has happened to me quite a bit. Another example, the library said they don't have permission for the first Bridget Jones Diary audiobook, but they are allowed to have the Edge of Reason audiobook (the second in the series). So instead of wasting my time and my library's time I would like to go to the direct source to see if something is allowed before I make a request. Thanks

A:

Dear you,

Overdrive is awesome. All the books you could ever want without having to get out of bed? Yes please. I have library cards with both my home library and the Provo library so that I can have double the Overdrive.

This is Overdrive's guide for how to recommend books to libraries. It looks like it's fairly library-specific. For example, on my home library Overdrive site, you can go to search for recommendable titles in the advanced search, and then recommend them directly through the site. The Provo library seems to not have this option, so you'd have to recommend titles some other way (with no indication of what they can and can't get).

If you want to see if Overdrive itself has a specific title in its collection, you can search on the site here. If Overdrive doesn't have something, then your library can't add it to their collection. If they do have it, then your library might be able to get it. It's hard to know for sure, but it's still worth trying. I don't think a library would get too annoyed if you're interested in books—that's kind of what they're all about.

Happy reading!

-Kirito


0 Corrections
Posted on 07/22/2016 2:35 p.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Posted on 07/22/2016 2:35 p.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Posted on 07/22/2016 1:12 p.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Posted on 07/22/2016 1:12 p.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Posted on 07/22/2016 11:36 a.m. New Correction on: #87269 When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind ...
Question #87357 posted on 07/22/2016 10:44 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

My grandmother has been telling me ever since I was "yae high" (how do you spell that phrase, by the way?) that I am a direct descendent of Orson Hyde. Yes, THE Orson Hyde that went to Jerusalem and dedicated the land for the returning of Jewish people. You recall him? Well, she says that he has Jewish ancestry or heritage; hence, I also have a degree of Jewish blood running through my veins (which she always told me to keep as a secret). Once we get over the shock of my grandma's somewhat tasteless uncouth in regards to keeping my "Jewish" identity under wraps, can anyone find any Jewish genealogical ties to Orson Hyde? I have been able to confirm that I am one of the descendants of Orson Hyde, but I haven't seen anything affirmative that him nor his ancestors were Jewish. Has my grandma been mistaken all these years or are there any journal entries by Orson Hyde where he reveals and expresses his Jewish kinship? I've assessed the Hyde line, but I wasn't able to determine a religious identity or anything blatantly Jewish. So what's the verdict? Was he or did he have Jewish ancestors (besides, the great Biblical forefathers)?

Grateful for Genealogy,
Gospel Goodie

A:

Dear 4G,

I ran out of time to do any of my own research or even try to corroborate the research I found, but one individual who seems to be quite knowledgeable about this sort of thing has the opinion that Orson Hyde does have Jewish ancestry. She bases the conclusion on the connections between several of the surnames in Orson Hyde's genealogy to a group of Jews who lived in Spain back in 1000 - 1400 A.D. So it's non-concrete, but there is some evidence that Orson Hyde had post-biblical-forefather Jewish ancestors.

-The Skipper


0 Corrections
Question #87341 posted on 07/22/2016 10:44 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

My husband and I graduated from BYU in 2011 and moved to the Midwest for him to go to medical school. We recently moved to a large townhome on the East coast for his residency. When my husband was interviewing for med school he found a service through BYU that listed alumni who would be willing to host interviewees, which helped save us a lot on hotel rooms. Now that we're settled in a place with plenty of room, we'd love to be added to the list and host students from BYU interested in interviewing at our surrounding hospitals. Does this resource still exist? Who can I contact to get added to the host list?

-Dr. Mrs.

A:

Dear Dr. Mrs.,

Unfortunately, I was not able to find any information on that register. I'll post a correction here if the BYU Alumni Association ever gets back to me. Alternatively, you could contact them about it.

-The Entomophagist


1 Correction
Question #87354 posted on 07/22/2016 8:32 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What is Digital Hummanities exactly? Can I get a certificate in it?

-Liquid Paper

A:

Dear you,

One of our former writers, Portia, is very interested in this field, so I asked her to explain:

Digital Humanities is a wide umbrella. It could encompass everything from book digitization projects, to corpus linguistics, to this interesting definition:
the rapidly developing field of the “Digital Humanities,” an uneasy hybrid of the humanities and the sciences that negotiates the relationship between map and territory, self and society, by appealing to the Janus-faced enigma of data.
  
Really the person could read that whole site to see if any of it holds appeal.
Building digital archives is a large part of the field. I worked on the the French-Language Digital Newspaper Project. Here's a similar one out of Colorado/Dartmouth.
The West Coast in general is the place to be for this field. The course offerings at the University of Victoria in B.C. give a good idea of the type of stuff you'd be studying:

Here's the paragraph that got me the admission and scholarship to San Diego State University:

I have a long-standing professional interest in the digital humanities. As a volunteer staff writer for the 100 Hour Board, the Honors Program magazine Insight, and student newspapers, I was known for both my creativity and dedication. Dr. Gideon Burton was instrumental in propelling my scholarship in the digital humanities in a deeper and more rigorous direction. In my final semester, I was the lead blogger for our Creative Non-fiction group: my research methods were sharpened by engaging with peers and texts outside my specialty. By nature, I can write a solid first draft quickly: Dr. Burton’s course honed my editing skills. SDSU’s working group in the Digital Humanities, and the scholarship of Joanna Brooks and Jessica Pressman in this field, particularly draw me to the program.

UCLA probably has the strongest program in Dig Hum. Get in touch with Gideon Burton, or me and I can give more recs, with more specific questions.

If you'd like to get in touch with Portia, she still responds to emails at portiaofbelmont @ gmail.com

-Zedability


0 Corrections
Question #87396 posted on 07/22/2016 8:32 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

What is the Canadian equivalent of NSA? Are they just as intrusive? Do they keep tabs on other countries too as well as their own citizens? What's a Canadian equivalent of Snowden?

-Candid non-Canadian

A:

Dear you,

This article identifies the relevant agency as CSEC (Communications Security Establishment Canada), and says:

As evidenced by other Snowden leaks, the CSEC has a regular working relationship with the NSA. They, along with equivalent agencies in Australia, New Zealand, and the U.K., have long constituted the Five Eyes alliance of intelligence sharing. And like the NSA’s fire-plagued data center in Utah, the CSEC is constructing a controversial $1.2 billion ($1.17 billion USD) spy center in Ottawa.

It sounds like what evidence is available suggests that CSEC engages in most of the same activities as the NSA. However, nobody really knows, because there is no Canadian equivalent of Snowden, and obviously the government prefers to insist that they're not doing anything suspicious.

-Zedability


0 Corrections
Question #87269 posted on 07/22/2016 8:32 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

When I woke up this morning, I could not have imagined Id be writing this kind of question today or in this way. I was raped a year ago, and I tried to suppress it and erase it from my memory, but I had a flashback of the nightmare today. I am in utter despair. I have never told anyone because I want to forget it even happened and telling people is in a sense a way of acknowledging and confirming it happened and I don't want to believe or remember it happened. But it did. And it's eating me away inside. I haven't even told my family and they know every aspect of my life so I feel I'm somehow living a lie. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me, recommend I press charges which I don't want to do because it's putting that info out in the open, change the way they look at me or what. I am a mess inside. I knew the guy and I went to his place willingly, but I did not think in a lifetime he would do what he did. Still to this day, I'm stung and shocked. It's all a blur. I was a Molly Mormon and a virgin. Am I still a virgin now that this happened? He broke my hymen. I've been terrified to even ask. I've lived my entire life being the most devout Mormong girl and kept all Chasity laws. If I decide to speak to a counselor or a bishop, are they obligated to tell the criminal systems about this individual or their bishops? I want it to be private counseling, but I'm afraid that under legal stipulations or church policy they have to report it? No, neither one of us are BYU students and my fears of reporting have nothing to do with the BYU rape scandal recently. I just can't see myself going through the court systems. It seems too dramatic for my life right now. I don't want it to define me.

- Hardy at a loss of what to do or who to tell

A:

Dear you,

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. This is such a difficult thing to deal with, and I want to assure you that although your feelings of guilt and worry are very normal, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. That applies to the circumstances surrounding the rape, as well as how you've reacted since then. 

First of all, I want to state as emphatically as possible that it does not matter that you went to his place willingly. People should be able to go to an acquaintance or friend's house and expect to not be raped. That should just be a basic, minimum standard of society. Going to his house, or anything else you may have done, doesn't make you even partially at fault to any degree. The blame rests solely, 100% on him, the rapist. You did nothing wrong, and this absolutely does not compromise your virtue or purity in any ways. You are just as virtuous or pure as you were before this happened to you. Absolutely nothing has changed there.

Your hymen doesn't have anything to do with your virginity. Hymens can break from biking, riding a horse, or using tampons. It's just a piece of skin. In my opinion, a virgin is someone who has never had consensual sex of any kind, and that definitely includes you. Rape is so different from sex physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and you had no control over it and it's not your fault. 

As for who to tell and whether to report, I agree with all of Luciana's comments below. I would also add that frankly, most rape victims don't report, and while I would love to see that statistic change, on an individual level, I completely support the fact that you don't feel comfortable with the idea. Reporting can be very emotionally difficult, and I think you need time to talk to people you trust and heal on your own terms. Plus, frankly, the fact that this happened over a year ago means that little to no physical evidence exists anymore, and it would come to your word against his. I don't think that reporting would be beneficial enough in this case to be worth the emotional turmoil that you feel it would bring. If people try to make you feel guilty about not wanting to report, frankly, they need to mind their own business. How you move on and heal from this situation is up to you, not them.

Similarly, it's incredibly common for rape victims to suppress their experiences and not tell anybody for a really long time. Many people don't tell family or friends for months, or never tell them at all if they don't feel comfortable. You're not lying to them by not telling them; you're just working through something that's really difficult. Honestly, this situation is about you, not about them. If they get mad at you for not telling them and start making it about them, don't feel like your pain needs to be compounded by their guilt-tripping. I would hope that your family would respond with love and compassion, rather than focusing on the fact that you didn't tell them right off the bat. 

As far as I know, your bishop isn't obligated by Church policy or any laws to report. The only exceptions are in some states, bishops are required to report instances of statutory rape or child abuse. If you were an adult when this happened, they aren't obligated, and I suspect that for most bishops, your personal healing will be a higher priority than calling the police.

In addition to your bishop (or even instead of your bishop - you don't have anything to repent of, and while bishops can be good people to talk to, you're not obligated to for any reason) I would strongly suggest that you see a counselor. You can go to the BYU Comprehensive Clinic if you're in Utah Valley, or if you're not, contact your insurance provider to get a list of counselors covered by your insurance. 

-Zedability

A:

Dear you,

Sexual assault is a terrible, awful thing, and I don't blame you for wanting to put it behind you. But there are residual emotions that are disrupting your life, therefore I strongly suggest you see a counselor, like Zed suggested.

I discussed this in another question recently, but I was once friends with a man who was (borderline) sexually abusive. Like you, I'm still terrified by the idea of telling my family. They know that he wasn't a good friend to me, but they have no idea just how messed up the relationship was. My mom is my best friend, and I tell her everything, but not that. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that people will judge me for it, even though I know that's a warped perspective. My family has always considered me a strong and strong-willed person, and I don't want to shatter that belief. I want to seem strong, even if I once wasn't. I'm slowly trying to build the courage to tell my mother the extent of everything.

Of course I can't pretend to understand how painful your situation must be. I'm so, so sorry that it happened to you and that you still have to deal with the repercussions. But I'm hoping that maybe my process of trying to get over it could be helpful to you. Though again, speaking with a certified counselor will probably be much more effective than my emotional rambling.

First off, please, please know that any feelings of guilt you have are entirely unfounded. It doesn't matter what you did or where you went. His actions were unjustified and inexcusable in every way. You are not responsible, and you should not have to feel responsible.

I'm not at a point in my recovery where I can tell you how to overcome guilt. I'm not there. I sometimes still feel like everything is my fault. The decisions I made facilitated the fact that he took advantage of me, and it's hard not to blame myself for that. But logically I know that I shouldn't feel that way. I have to actively tell myself that it's not my fault.

Second, I've actually found comfort in sharing my experience. I would never just bring it up in an everyday conversation, and in fact I've never brought up the details with anyone. But I have one friend in particular whom I trust completely, and talking to him about my feelings made me feel a lot better. It's helpful to know I'm not alone, and to know that people will still love me in spite of everything.

Before I found the courage to talk about it, however discreetly, it felt like the experience was defining me. Because of it, I was terrified of making friends. I was afraid of being emotionally open, therefore I closed myself off completely. It felt like my whole life was being consumed by memories of that friendship, and I was miserable because despite my best efforts, it took a long time to get over the man who abused me.

But talking about it allowed me to make deep friendships, and those friends helped remind me that not everyone is a selfish, arrogant a**. Even the recent discussions of it here on the Board have felt oddly therapeutic, because it's a low-pressure way to admit my mistakes and relive myself of painful secrets.

In short, I think talking about it with someone you trust could help you confront your feelings and hopefully move forward.

If you want to keep it a secret from friends and family, I'm here. You can email me if you want to, and it can remain completely anonymous and confidential. But please, don't feel like this is something you have to deal with alone. You have friends and family out there who love you and want you to be healed and happy. There are counselors out there who are trained to help you recover from the experience. And personally, if you want to form a posse and beat the crap out of this guy, I will happily join you.

Much love,

Luciana


6 Corrections
Question #87409 posted on 07/22/2016 3:20 a.m.
Q:

Dear 100 Hour Board,

I am about to start my first semester at BYU. I am a good kid, I attend all of my church meetings, read my scriptures etc. However, I have a few things I need to repent for including: Drinking a few times and breaking the Law of Chastity once. I have repented to an extent but I know I need to talk to my Bishop to correctly and fully repent. I have been scared to talk to any of my previous Bishops because I have just felt too uncomfortable confessing to someone who often has family dinners at my house. I want to repent as soon as possible and I know BYU is where I need to be to continue to strengthen my testimony. If I repent when I get to BYU will I be kicked out? If I repent now will I be kicked out before I even attend?

I don't know what to do and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I am currently around.

A:

Dear don't know,

I'm biased, but I think you should repent as soon as possible in almost any situation. In fact, I can't think of any situation where waiting to repent would be better than repenting immediately. For starters you won't have to carry around any lingering guilt for past transgressions. That alone would be enough to cause me to repent as fast as I can, because I can't stand feeling guilty.

I think it is very improbable that you would get kicked out, especially because you haven't even gone to BYU yet and they recognize that people make mistakes. But I personally would say that is not the point. Whether or not you would get kicked out of BYU shouldn't stop you from repenting. 

You'll be fine!

-Sunday Night Banter


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